The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

The Devil’s Music and/or How to Remove a Hickie

Oh my God. Am I turning into my Grandmother?

What in the hell are the kids singing about on the radio these days? Holy CRAP! And it takes a lot to shock me…as I’m sure you can imagine (says the lady who lets her hoo-hoo write guest posts).

I’m cruising around in my tricked out mini-van with the kids the other day and the pop mega-hit Last Friday Night by Katy Perry comes on the radio.

My, what a catchy tune! This jam has a beat our bodies just can’t deny. “Turn it up, Mom!”

We’re all upper-body-dancing to it when Katy starts to croon:

There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbecue
Is this a hickie or a bruise?

And the song is SO fun and catchy and paralyzing to me with its racy content that I find myself unable to turn the dial…like a deer caught in a disco ball reflection. Katy continues:

Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled…

DAMN!

And then here comes the chorus…and I notice that even my four year old, Bucket Head, is singing along with abandon:

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois

Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

Oh phew, “always say we’re gonna stop-op.” Maybe there’s a moral in this smut-fest? Katy? What say you?

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

No! Ohmigod, seriously? She’s gonna do it all again? Even though the bitch maxed out her credit card and woke up with a stranger and a hickie (and possibly an STD)? And there are pictures online of the whole thing? Bitch, please. Did you damage your prefrontal cortex with all those jello shots?

My jaw (still doing the white-man overbite, inside my bee-boppin’ head)
is literally on the floor. Why am I letting my three young kids rock out to this over-the-top party anthem? And why am I rocking out to it with them? Can’t. Turn. Away.

Remember when all our parents had to worry about was whether or not we were going to bite the heads off rabid bats while we jammed to Black Sabbath? As if. Shoot, the hardest music I ever listened to was Lionel Ritchie in his Dancing on the Ceiling phase. He so crazy!

Dang, I feel like such a hypocrite. It wasn’t *that* long ago that I was doing too many shots and dancing on tabletops and getting kicked out of bars, and sororities, and one time, a New Jersey convenience store for submerging my face in a giant jar of pickles. But still, you want better for your kids, right? You don’t want them to make the same stupid drunken mistakes you made.

Oh wait, there’s one more verse. Maybe she’ll redeem herself…

Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.

Nope. This whore’s gonna do it all again. She’s got a warrant out for her damn arrest, her car was towed, her credit is hosed, and her job is in jeopardy. How is she going to do this all again without money, a job, transportation, etc? 

This girl needs some tough love and I’m just the Mom/Reformed Slut to give it to her (especially since she’s not my child). “You get over here right this instant, Ms. Thang. You are going right up to your room. Your father and I have removed your door, your phone, your computer, and all of your shoes. Starting tomorrow, you are going to go volunteer at the women’s shelter so you can get out of your own head and make a positive contribution to the world. But first, Mama’s gonna teach you how to remove that hickie, just like my middle school PE teacher Mrs. D’Ambrosio taught me 29 years ago. Go get me a comb.” 

And then I will proceed to gently scrape that love bite on her neck with a fine toothed comb until the contusion disburses into a barely noticeable patch that will look more like eczema than a hickie. After that, we’ll ice it down for about 15 minutes like you would with any bruise. And if that doesn’t work, she’ll don a turtleneck until the evidence of her slutitude is gone.

And that’s how you remove a hickie. Hussies of the world (and your frazzled Mamas), you are welcome. Of course, not listening to the devil’s music is probably another way to save your children’s souls, just guessing. As for me, my favorite Katy Perry song is I Kissed a Girl, and I Liked It.

Oh shit. I’m so screwed, aren’t I.

Where are my Lionel Ritchie CDs?

-Iris

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© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


47 Comments

  1. Does that comb trick really work? Damn Iris. Where were you when I was 19?

  2. As they say in the south, “Well dip me in butter and spank me naked!”

    I’m going back to the time when the worst thing a song told me to do was “feed my head.”

    • OMG, is that dirty? I thought it was about someone who was hungry.

      • Not dirty at all. As far as I can tell, it was encouraging us to take LSD. But, hey, we coulda done that alone, no need to wake up in someone else’s bed with a hickey – ya know?

        p.s. the comb trick is awesome, I’ll remember it just in case.

  3. This song makes me cringe when I hear it.

    And then I catch myself singing it.

    It’s tune captivates me.

  4. a. I love Katy Perry. I’m a pop princess. (I know I really shouldn’t admit that.)

    b. I love it that she was raised really strict, conservative christian, home-schooled, no music, no T.V. and this is the result.

    c. Whilst watching Debbie Gibson on “The View” today, I realized that we did not have the pressure to dress as slutty as girls today. I blame Britney Spears for starting that trend. Thanks Britney.

    d. We did have trashy lyrics though, always have, always will.

    • Like what? “Lovin’ touchin’ squeezin'” by Journey? I am racking my brain and cannot come up with anything even close to “then had a menage a trois.” Come on, Pop Princess…gimme something harder than “Like a Virgin.”

      • Omg. Are you kidding?
        – “Do Me” by Bel Biv Deoe
        – That Nine Inch Nails song “I want to #^+% you like an animal”
        – You Oughta Know – Alanis – talks about BJ in a movie theater

        I’m sure there’s more. But I’m tired.

        And I was going to say the I Touch Myself song but you beat me to it. Ahem.

        • Oh! And – All I wanna do is make love to you by Heart. I DIED when the song came on in the car when I was with my mom!!!!

        • Damn – impressive song recall!! I missed all those songs…that must have been during my CSN phase {And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with!} But day-yam…bjs in theaters, animal sex, and the oh-so-subtle “do me”? OMG! My Grandma was right: “You kids today are effin’ disgusting. Put that book down and bring MeMaw another cocktail.”

    • I watched The View yesterday, too! Debbie is a mess these days, and Tiffany looked fabulous! IMO, of course! Also, it reminded me why I liked Tiffany better than Debbie; (other than the fact that I’m a sucker for a gingy) Tiffany can actually sing.
      Was it just me, or did Ms. Gibson sound like a dying cat?

  5. Walk on the Wild Side – Lou Reed -70’s
    Blister in the Sun- Violent Femmes- 80’s
    90s Just take your pick of ANYTHING released in the 90’s and you should be fine.

  6. Thanks for the hickie removal trick. My darling daughter decided the other day to suck on her upper arm so much she gave herself a serious hickie. I totally thought someone was going to call DCYF on us. Next time, I can get rid of it for her.

    • Dude – what the french, Toast?

      • just sayin, that could be on your car radio. tell buckethead to get his pimp cup in the aiiryuurrrr. I can’t stand katy perry. i kissed a girl, and i married it and she just popped out a kid, i ain’t got no record deal or cherry chappstank. Lady Gaga needs to challenge her to a cage match at the Civic Arena…wait, they knocked that down 🙁 okay, make it a baby pool of jello….cherry. You don’t know me! lmao

  7. I’m doing a booty clap and droppin it like it’s hot on the hood if your swagger wagon bitch.

  8. Also? I was snorting, I was laughing so hard when I read this. I was in the same exact situation in the car the other day. But I had the willpower to change the station when after a few verses, I saw something register in my kid’s eyes. She was actually listening to the words. And she knew then and there she wasn’t listening to Laurie Berkner anymore. Quick! NPR! Let’s listen about the budget crisis, kids!

    PS – the hickey trick? Jeezus, people, if you didn’t know that one, how’d you get through high school? Sheesh.

  9. Kristen Kotrlik

    August 2, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Excellent. I’m trying not to be horrified when I listen to the radio- (beside the fact that Madonna is on the Oldies station now…but I digress)- I am glad that my son doesn’t know what “Patron in my cup” means… or that “Bend over to the front and touch ya toes” isn’t just an exercise.
    I look forward to the day that he points out how dirty the lyrics to most of the songs from Grease are… sort of like how I told my mother how dirty some of her songs were… “Afternoon Delight”?? SO DIRTY.

    And- I am liking the little sidebar, where Oprah is looking over at the text (the box with DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips)…. The face she is making looks like she actually just read “woke up with a stranger and a hickie (and possibly an STD).”

  10. I wrote a post about this very song Iris although mine was more about not worrying about whether it was Friday night anymore. Friday night? Monday night? They’re all the same to me these days. Year’s ago, BK, I’d be doing it again and again, every Friday night. I gotta say, your ‘ad choices’ are a little interesting? LOL I’m not too sure there are too many girls in Australia called ‘Vienna’? LOL Maybe ex Russians who were mail order brides, just to get in the country and now they’re looking for a ‘real’ husband! LOL Won’t find any here in Australia! LOL

    Anne xx

  11. Anyone can come up with a few examples of smutty lyrics from times gone by, back them it was the exception and considered risque…now it is the rule, if you want to be a successful US female mainstream pop singer these days acting like or singing about being..lets say a bit free with ones inhibitions is essential.

    Also the market they appeal to runs significantly younger than a lot of the music from the past, I loved Black Sabbath but not when I was 10, if you took out the mothers of the girls attending Katy Perry concerts the average age would be around 12-14 at a guess.

    She not singing to adults for @#&*’s sake…her audience are barely teenagers on the whole.

    What this comes down to is exactly the same experience I had only last week when my 10 year old daughter was playing the above CD and song loud, dancing like she was on someones lap for money whilst singing the above lyrics….horrified yes.

    Dilema…all of her friend listen to Katy Perry and her ilk, do I begin to censor what she listens to and risk both her ire and run of her being considered uncool at school, counsel her 10 year old brain and let her know it’s not cool to live your life according to the lyrics as some kind of mantra or, ingnore it and hope it all goes away.

    Just a backwards and remote pespective from Melbourne Australia…

    • I totally hear you – it IS a dilema! Here’s my approach: I think if I enjoy the smutty music WITH my kids, maybe it takes some of the power away from it being so naughty and appealing. (Or maybe it makes it EVEN cooler, but knowing me, pro’lly not!) For instance… I know a girl who was not allowed to watch TV at all in her youth. When she got to college, that bitch WENT WILD. So I’m thinking, instead of sheltering my kids from everything potentially scary, I’d rather let them live a little and be there to talk about the scary stuff. Let you know in twenty years how that all worked out! 🙂

      • And I totally agree with you about how this music is aimed at younger and younger kids. Hate that. Also, I hate to pick on Katy Perry. She’s not alone in this. Ke$ha is another one. Love the catchy tunes, hate the slutty message to the kids. Again I say, Lionel Ritchie needs to make a come back! “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”

  12. I think you might want to let them listen to it. The alternative would be explaining why they can’t hear the song anymore, and that would be worse.
    I too sang along with the radio before I knew what the songs were about. It was harmless when I was that young, although my mother is probably scarred for life. (Then again, she thought “shake your booty” meant “wiggle your foot” until I was done with college. No lie.)
    I was horrified once I finally realized what the lyrics meant to those songs I used to sing around the house! That was enough of a lesson. If Mom had intervened, it only would have served to scar me even more. Yech.

  13. i saw Lionel Ritchie in the Burgh for that Dancing on the Ceiling tour. HAHAHA, I really went to see Shelia E….she was awesome.

  14. My husband and I have talked about this lately b/c our 3 year old (who loves horses and cowboys as all 3-year-old boys do) has started to sing to some of his favorite songs. My hubs assures me it will not damage him as we loved music growing up and had no idea what the lyrics were talking about. However, our son is unusually articulate and clear so it can be embarrassing when I have him in the cart in the baby food aisle at Target and he starts belting out what he calls “The Cowboy Song”. I get some pretty judgmental looks from the other moms when he sings, “Save a horse, ride a cowboy!”

    • Hahahahaha! Oh, I would love to be walking down that aisle!!!!

    • LOVE IT! I bet that is hilarious when he breaks out into that song. Now just teach him how to do the Dancing with the Stars winning freestyle dance to it, and you’ll be golden.

  15. I’m the parent of a 16 year old girl and I cringe at the lyrics but then I think of the Prince songs I listened to and sang along to. My mother let me go see Prince and Sheila E. with a friend when I was 17 and we went to the Omni downtown by ourselves! I wouldn’t let my daughter do that even with a police escort!

    Again…this is why Hangar 1 Lime vodka is my BFF.

  16. I feel cheated that I only just found your blog a few days ago. You complete me.

  17. Get out! No seriously, get out – of my head. I share the same thoughts on this particular song. First time I heard it, was in I the car on the way back from an overnight ladies craft night (aka: lots of wine & minimal crafts). Ironically, I was hung like a mug and listening to the radio (the former happens often, the latter not so much). I had to turn it up full blast to really listen to the lyrics because I was in shock. My expression the entire time must have been like “WTF???” I instantly hated the song. It’s annoying because isn’t Ms. Perry a little OLD to be singing about this stuff herself? I mean bitch is like 27 or something. Shouldn’t she be having babies and dabbling in home decor? I could be a hypocrite though, pretty sure I was doing all that same shit still at her age. BUT WTF when the target audience is in middle school? Oy vei!

  18. Hey, how come no-one mentioned Lola by the Kinks? Um, hello. Oh, wait, it’s not really about your first date, er experience, man on man, is it? And I wasn’t popular enough in high school (red hair, glasses, freckles, straight As, identical twin, flat chest) to ever get a hickey. Now I feel so left out. I think I’ll go downtown and look for a desperate sailor.

    • WHAT? “…red hair, glasses, freckles, straight As…” high school boys are retarded. You sound like a mega catch to me!!! Next time I’m in Santa Barbara, we’ll go troll the docks for some hickie action together. (I’mma have to bring my husband, but he can be our body guard in case any of the sailors get outta hand.)

  19. Hickey :O .Its hard to get rid of them.I used to do cold pressing and it worked but I don’t know whether there is a cream for that.

  20. OK OK as comment number #500 I realize I’m a little late to the conversation, but I just want to make one point. I used to feel the same way about this song. Completely. But the use of “epic fail” at the very end got me thinking. I actually believe Katy is making fun of real. life. teenage Facebook updates.
    I’m totally serious. I think the entire song is meant to be pop-culturally-ironic. A mockery of the actual stupidity of the things teenagers are not just doing, but admitting to on social media.
    So now I kind of like it again. And I jumped back on my HS English teacher bandwagon of believing all HS students are basically brain-dead. And when my own children are old enough, I probably need to hide them in convents.

    • OMG. I have to listen to it again through this lens. You may be a genius!

      And I still really love the catchiness of the song. It is an undeniable groove.

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