My name is Earlene “Misty” von Lichtenburger, but you may call me Misty. (That’s Ms. von Lichtenburger if you’re nasty.)
I’m Iris’s vagina.
Iris and her brood are frolicking on the beach today, so she asked me to stay behind and write a guest post. Hallelujah – a day off! Finally, a holiday, away from the noisy kids and the sandy tankini bottom. I’m going to make myself a Mojito and just chillax with Iris’s laptop for a while. (Well of course I can type, silly! Iris is one hell of a woman.)
If you’ve spent two minutes reading The Bearded Iris, you already know that I’m one of Iris’s favorite topics. Rightly so! I’ve served that bitch well over the past 41 years. My crowning glory was when I birthed the one she calls “Mini-Me.” Shoot, that country ham was 9 pounds 11 ounces and I popped her out in two pushes. (Made me look like the business end of a red toilet plunger stuck to a crying pink bowling ball.) Day-yam!
But listen, I’m not here to toot my own horn. (Iris does enough of that for both of us.)
I’m here today to dispel some myths and set the record straight. First of all, you absolutely CAN catch crabs from using someone else’s towel. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Secondly, there’s been a lot of buzz lately about feminine hygiene products. Specifically, thanks to the new Summer’s Eve ad campaign titled ”Hail to the V,” I’m concerned there are going to be a lot of women out there buying into some pretty subversive vaginal hate mongering.
Just in case you are living under a rock and haven’t seen any of these ads, here’s one:
Don’t get me started on the whole talking vagina hand puppet ads. There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been done by every comedian under the sun this week. (My favorite one so far was by Steven Colbert, FYI) Oh just google it, bitch…when you’re done reading my guest post, of course.
Long story short, the talking vagina ads got pulled for being racially insensitive. Ya think? Doy-yoy-yoy.
But aside from the whole racial stereotype glitch, the ad execs at Summer’s Eve ain’t no dummies.
Frankly, I’m kinda torn. Well not literally. My midwife stitched that up years ago.
At first blush “Hail to the V” sounds pretty empowering. And I think it’s a great slogan choice, particularly since the guys at Capri Sun already nabbed the catch phrase: “Respect the pouch! Respect it!”
But the idea that we should “show our vaginas some love” by cleaning and deodorizing with Summer’s Eve products? Hold it right there, Bub.
I do not appreciate being told that my natural state is offensive and that I could be more appealing if only I smelled like “Island Splash” or “Tropical Rain.” Have you ever been to the tropics? Maybe my time share wasn’t in the best neighborhood, but still…not a smell I want to duplicate. Ever.
In a recent press release, Angela Bryant, the director of feminine care for Summer’s Eve, said:
“This campaign is about empowerment, changing the way women may think of the brand, and removing longstanding stigmas: Summer’s Eve is not a means to confidence, rather it’s a celebration of confidence, of being a woman, and taking care of their bodies.”
Bitch, please. How confident do you think I am if I’m standing in the feminine hygiene aisle in the first place? Sorry lady, but if you think you’re removing longstanding stigmas by telling us that our vajaynas should smell like plug-in air fresheners, think again.
Look, my friends and I have been talking and we all agree that there is nothing wrong or offensive or unpleasant about a nice clean natural vagina!
Of course, the key word here is CLEAN, ladies. But take it from me, Iris’s vagina, we prefer water and a little gentle soap like Dove, preferably unscented. Iris has spent enough time at the dermatologist to know, if it is gentle enough for your face, it is gentle enough for your fuzzoodle.
Please don’t use anything with an unnatural fragrance! I’m not a used car that you can just turn back the odometer and spray with “New Car Smell” to fool the next potential driver.
And what’s with Summer’s Eve’s fragrances anyhow? “Morning Paradise?” Are you effin’ kidding me? Have you ever seen me in the morning? I’m like a fresh baked sfogliatella. And “Sweet Romance?” WHAT? Take a whiff of me after some sweet romance and get back to me on that one. Geez…do some research guys.
It’s not just that though. There’s a very real health issue on the table here. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office on Women’s health:
“Most doctors say it’s best to let your vagina clean itself. You should also avoid scented tampons, pads, powders, and sprays.
These products may increase your chances of getting a vaginal infection.”
Source: http://www.wusa9.com/news/article/159140/283/Summers-Eve-Hail-To-The-V-Commercial-May-Cross-The-Line-Of-Decorum-And-Health
Or in plain English, it’s no coincidence that we reserve the word “douche” in today’s lexicon for people who aggravate us to the max. Please don’t douche! It totally messes with my pH balance. Only a douche would use a douche.
True story: the other day I was getting that itchy feeling like a yeast infection was on the horizon. But you know what Iris did to protect me from that nastiness? She cleaned out her refrigerator and ate an expired yogurt. Then she Tweeted about it, that whore.
Hey, way to take one for the team, Iris! It totally worked! No yeast infection for me! God, I love that girl.
I’mma tell you something, Summer’s Eve. Plenty of people like me just the way I am. Wait…that didn’t come out right. You just stay outta my pants. I am sick and tired of all you evil marketing geniuses telling me that I’m not good enough. The fact that there is a whole wall of your products at the store is sending women the message that our bodies are shameful. Well shame on YOU, I say.
Who’s with me?
naturally yours,
-Misty
© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.
I am one of those sad women who had not seen the Summer’s Eve ads. I feel so much smarter and more empowered now – thanks! Thanks to your inspirational post, I am now going to rub some car oil on my fuzzdoodle (I want that to become a verb and have it done to me) in order to get that new car smell. Backseat of course!
OMG, I think I will be laughing the rest of the weekend over this! I love your brutally honest posts, they make my day! Not to mention this subject is one that needs to be discussed! I agree with you 100%, gentle cleansing is all you need… Well said, and thanks for the laugh!
Thank YOU! Glad you enjoyed and that you treat your body with such gentle respect.
Misty,
Meet me in the crotchless panty isle.
Whore.
Love,
Hot Boxx Party Sox
Mom? Is that you?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Party+socks
Nice to meet your Iris’ vagina, I like your straight talking.
You tell ‘em, those silly Summer Eve execs!
Thanks Alison!
I agree with the sentiment here. However, did you really have to ask me to imagine what you smell like post-romance? Cause I’d to burn my nose hairs now, thanks.
Misty!
I’m so grateful Iris handed the reins over to you for a day. Not that I don’t LOVE her, she IS a genius, but it was refreshing to learn your point of view. My vag and I are with you 100%. I can’t bear the thought of synthetic fragrances wafting through my home, or in the shampoo my kids rub next to their developing brains when I force them to wash. Why on earth would I want to shoot some synthetic chemical “parfum” inside my precious self?!?! The real sad thing is that SO many people will buy in. Just one more reason for me to share the link to this blog in Facebook!
Great stuff, Misty and Iris, keep it coming!
Great
Hi Cath! Thanks for the comment and the FB share! Love that!
Durn it! My first response and I flubbed it! I meant “on” Facebook (thanks for trying. Autocorrect) and that “Great” at the end shouldn’t be there. Guess I should have dragged my butt out of bed and used the computer instead of my phone. Next time (maybe
STOP IT. You did that comment on yer PHONE?! OMG, when I phone comment it looks like this: “K. Me 2. Flurg%” Bonus points for you!!!
Us girls over here are so with you on this, Misty. Thanks for the insight, from BOTH of us! xo ~ “you know hoo hoo”
“you know hoo hoo”!!!! OMG. Brilliant.
As a nurse, I concur that “Misty” is G-spot on. Let the female body do its own magic and it will clean itself unless you have the yeastie beasties, or some kind of infection; then you need to be seen by a professional. Great job with the yogurt, just make sure you aren’t injecting a tube of SpongeBob Gogurt up your YooHoo if your oven smells like you’re baking bread.
Oh Nurse Stacey, it’s always an education when you stop by! SpongeBob Gogurt? Bitch, please. Iris eats kale chips, for crying out loud. No – it was definitely plain fat free yogurt, and she ATE it… there was no injecting going on. “G-spot” on! I just love the vaj humor, girl! You rock. ~ Misty
Hey sweetie (and yes I mean you Misty), had to call DH in to read. You cracked him up! Thanks for putting him in a good mood (you know what I mean)!
PS Tell Iris the bird situation repeated the very next day while Pais was asleep and we were happily playing at the dining room table with our sewing machines. I opened the sliding glass door while Amy ran to get a towel, we didn’t even say anything to each other…..it was another hilarious incident. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP?? So far today no repeats!
I love nothing more than a friendly vagina who raises good points.
Why, thank you! I aim to please. Wait…that’s not what I meant. Oh hell, sure it is. ~ Misty
Firstly, love your blog, I’m now officially a blog stalker!
Secondly, Wow, the Americans have some interesting ads, not that the Aussies dont of course. They really want you to wash with that smelly stuff?! There is no way I would go for that, particularly after the lovely yeast infections I have had in the past.. nope. But you are right, there are many out there that would think, damn, I need that. Women are so unsure of whether they smell ‘right’ or not that this would send them running to the store! Serioulsy hope it doesnt come to our shores!
Thanks again for a fabulous right to it post!
Love your work – Both Iris and Misty!
Bec
Hi Bec! Thank you. Oh, Aussie, are you? I’m imagining your douche commercials would be like the “Foster’s Lager” commercials… depicting a firehose on full blast and dubbed over with “Australian for douche.” (Kidding, I know no self respecting Aussie drinks that crap…but the commercials are funny.)
Stalk away, we both love it! ~ Misty & Iris
you are brilliant and I love you
Thank you, Amy! That is so much more pleasant than a shank to the spleen.
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Reminds me of a commercial from the UK where they show just about anything…
Not sure if it has shown in the US. Check out Schick Quattro “mow the lawn” commercial on You Tube. Kept me laughing, just like you do with your posts. Thanks.
Hilarious! “Mow the Lawn!” Thanks Katrina!
I know I’m WAY late to the comment party here, but Misty really hit the nail on the head. (That sounds way more suggestive than I thought it would. Booya.) I can only hope that my Missy Bits will always be as confident as Misty. She’s already pretty badass, too.