Truly, I’m not obsessed with my vagina, all evidence to the contrary. But just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about my anatomy, I discover that there is a whole (hole) ‘nother world of muffin maintenance that I know nothing about. Yinz are never gonna believe this. Did you know there is a new thing called the Wonder Woman Makeover™? No kidding. It is not what you think, though. If you go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a Wonder Woman, you will not walk out looking like Lynda Carter.
In fact, you probably won’t be able to walk at all for a while. ‘Cause get this: the Wonder Woman Makeover™ is a makeover for your goodie basket! And by goodie basket, I mean ALL the fun parts immediately above and below where you hang your Lasso of Truth. And by Makeover, I don’t mean makeup and a fashion update, although that is always nice. No, we are talking Nip/Tuck, people. Apparently you can get your tuna noodle casserole tightened back up as if you never even popped out a puppy or two. But why? Read on.
Let’s talk specifics. Here is the basic definition of the Wonder Woman Makeover™: multiple consecutive surgeries that include laser vaginal rejuvenation, laser reduction labiaplasty, liposculpturing with Brazilian Butt Augmentation, and breast augmentation. “Huh,” you say? Let me say it in American for ya, honey: this is a muffin-mincing, rear-raising, cellulite-sucking, boob-building smorgasbord. Everything from your pits to your knees will be made “good as new” with this dealio. Just don’t expect it to be covered by health insurance…this kind of thing is rarely deemed medically necessary. Of course, if men requested this sort of work, doctors would be offering it at the drive-thru window, with nary a co-pay, but that is a different story.
Now, for my female readers who are either not mothers or who have had the benefit of a C-Section and are still as tight as a drum down yonder, you might be wondering, what’s all this emphasis on vaginal rejuvenation? I can answer this best with a Haiku:
My babies were big,
and now so is my cooter.
Is it in yet, Hon?
Don’t get me wrong. This is not about my husband. Even if sex with me is like tossing a baseball bat into the garage, The Gatekeeper is usually just grateful that he’s getting a chance to put the recreational equipment away once in a while, if you know what I mean. But you know men… they could stick it into a warm apple pie and still get their rocks off. Women’s needs are a bit more, uh, specific.
A study conducted by the famous Masters and Johnson research team revealed that sexual pleasure is heightened by an increase in friction. Well, that can be a bit of a problem for us natural Wonder Women. Once you’ve pushed out a baby or two the old fashioned way, sex might feel more like a Teflon-coated Olympic luge event than squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle.
According to the surgeons who specialize in it, Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation® (LVR®) enhances vaginal muscle tone, strength, and control. It decreases the internal and external vaginal diameters as well as builds up and strengthens the perineal body (the area immediately outside the vagina and above the anus). Well, isn’t that nice. So something like this could help me stop peeing when I laugh? Hmmm. Very interesting. Go on.
Yes, vaginal rejuvenation can improve bodily functions. But for some women, going this route is purely an aesthetic thing. They simply want a pretty one. Well, excuse me for saying, but that sounds a little oxymoronic to me. Like Jumbo Shrimp. Nondairy Creamer. Holy War. Wireless Cable. The Patriot Act. Then again, I’m a married old hag and not out there trolling for fresh meat. If I was dating, you better believe I’d use every trick in the book to make my fishing tackle more attractive, including waxing, a-hole bleaching, and vajazzling. Whatever it takes, I say.
Having never spent a lot of time gazing longingly at this part of my own body, I wasn’t quite sure what constitutes a “pretty one.” But God Bless America… lookie what I found online. Thank you Al Gore for inventing the Internet.
Ladies, feel free to print this diagram out and use it as a teaching tool for those men in your life who don’t quite grasp the traffic patterns down there. Never pleasant. Anyhooo, this diagram was a real eye opener for me, because I honestly thought a normal healthy 41 year old post partum poonanie was supposed to look like this:
And in certain light, like this:
Hey, don’t judge. Remember, I’ve pushed three, count them THREE, very large pumpkins out of my lady garden. And I had an episiotomy with the first one that somewhat resembled the gutting of a fish. Between that wreckage, the hormone induced facial hair, and the vericose veins, I’m starting to wonder if God designed the female body to self-destruct after childbirth so we wouldn’t be distracted by things like flirting and sex and could therefore focus all our energies on caring for our spawn. How depressing is that?! And you wonder why I drink.
So the good news is this: we have choices today! But before going under the knife, I’m just suggesting you consider all the options. How about asking HIM to get a penis enlargement instead? Why not? THAT is probably covered by insurance. Or, if you are self conscious about the fact that your knockers hang to your knees and your stomach looks like a Shar-Pei, then do what I do: dim the lights and buy some industrial strength lingerie! You’ll save your dignity AND electricity! Win-win!
And of course, there is always the old fashioned way of getting your mojo back: exercise! (Or so I’ve been told.) But I do know you can tighten up your tingly parts over time with a regular Kegel routine. It won’t give you a J-Lo booty or restore your milk bags to their former glory, but let’s just focus on one failing body part at a time here.
Knowledge is power, ladies. But so is a healthy body image. Remember: the best accessory any gal can own is confidence! No matter what route you choose: love yourself and others will too. And if they don’t, fuck ’em. Their loss. Because you are fabulous just the way you are.
with all my heart and extra-large lady bits,
© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.