The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

ApocaLIPS: my take on the latest plastic surgery trend.

Truly, I’m not obsessed with my vagina, all evidence to the contrary. But just when I thought I knew everything there was to know about my anatomy, I discover that there is a whole (hole) ‘nother world of muffin maintenance that I know nothing about. Yinz are never gonna believe this. Did you know there is a new thing called the Wonder Woman Makeover™? No kidding. It is not what you think, though. If you go to a plastic surgeon and ask for a Wonder Woman, you will not walk out looking like Lynda Carter.

In fact, you probably won’t be able to walk at all for a while.  ‘Cause get this: the Wonder Woman Makeover™ is a makeover for your goodie basket! And by goodie basket, I mean ALL the fun parts immediately above and below where you hang your Lasso of Truth. And by Makeover, I don’t mean makeup and a fashion update, although that is always nice.  No, we are talking Nip/Tuck, people. Apparently you can get your tuna noodle casserole tightened back up as if you never even popped out a puppy or two. But why? Read on.

Let’s talk specifics.  Here is the basic definition of the Wonder Woman Makeover™: multiple consecutive surgeries that include laser vaginal rejuvenation, laser reduction labiaplasty, liposculpturing with Brazilian Butt Augmentation, and breast augmentation. “Huh,” you say?  Let me say it in American for ya, honey: this is a muffin-mincing, rear-raising, cellulite-sucking, boob-building smorgasbord.  Everything from your pits to your knees will be made “good as new” with this dealio.  Just don’t expect it to be covered by health insurance…this kind of thing is rarely deemed medically necessary. Of course, if men requested this sort of work, doctors would be offering it at the drive-thru window, with nary a co-pay, but that is a different story.

Now, for my female readers who are either not mothers or who have had the benefit of a C-Section and are still as tight as a drum down yonder, you might be wondering, what’s all this emphasis on vaginal rejuvenation? I can answer this best with a Haiku:

My babies were big,

and now so is my cooter.

Is it in yet, Hon?

Don’t get me wrong. This is not about my husband. Even if sex with me is like tossing a baseball bat into the garage, The Gatekeeper is usually just grateful that he’s getting a chance to put the recreational equipment away once in a while, if you know what I mean. But you know men… they could stick it into a warm apple pie and still get their rocks off. Women’s needs are a bit more, uh, specific.

A study conducted by the famous Masters and Johnson research team revealed that sexual pleasure is heightened by an increase in friction. Well, that can be a bit of a problem for us natural Wonder Women. Once you’ve pushed out a baby or two the old fashioned way, sex might feel more like a Teflon-coated Olympic luge event than squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle.

According to the surgeons who specialize in it, Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation® (LVR®) enhances vaginal muscle tone, strength, and control. It decreases the internal and external vaginal diameters as well as builds up and strengthens the perineal body (the area immediately outside the vagina and above the anus). Well, isn’t that nice. So something like this could help me stop peeing when I laugh? Hmmm. Very interesting. Go on.

Yes, vaginal rejuvenation can improve bodily functions. But for some women, going this route is purely an aesthetic thing. They simply want a pretty one. Well, excuse me for saying, but that sounds a little oxymoronic to me. Like Jumbo Shrimp. Nondairy Creamer. Holy War. Wireless Cable. The Patriot Act. Then again, I’m a married old hag and not out there trolling for fresh meat. If I was dating, you better believe I’d use every trick in the book to make my fishing tackle more attractive, including waxinga-hole bleaching, and vajazzling. Whatever it takes, I say.

Having never spent a lot of time gazing longingly at this part of my own body, I wasn’t quite sure what constitutes a “pretty one.” But God Bless America… lookie what I found online. Thank you Al Gore for inventing the Internet.

Ladies, feel free to print this diagram out and use it as a teaching tool for those men in your life who don’t quite grasp the traffic patterns down there. Never pleasant. Anyhooo, this diagram was a real eye opener for me, because I honestly thought a normal healthy 41 year old post partum poonanie was supposed to look like this:

And in certain light, like this:

Hey, don’t judge. Remember, I’ve pushed three, count them THREE, very large pumpkins out of my lady garden. And I had an episiotomy with the first one that somewhat resembled the gutting of a fish. Between that wreckage, the hormone induced facial hair, and the vericose veins, I’m starting to wonder if God designed the female body to self-destruct after childbirth so we wouldn’t be distracted by things like flirting and sex and could therefore focus all our energies on caring for our spawn. How depressing is that?! And you wonder why I drink.

So the good news is this: we have choices today! But before going under the knife, I’m just suggesting you consider all the options. How about asking HIM to get a penis enlargement instead? Why not? THAT is probably covered by insurance. Or, if you are self conscious about the fact that your knockers hang to your knees and your stomach looks like a Shar-Pei, then do what I do: dim the lights and buy some industrial strength lingerie! You’ll save your dignity AND electricity! Win-win!

And of course, there is always the old fashioned way of getting your mojo back: exercise! (Or so I’ve been told.) But I do know you can tighten up your tingly parts over time with a regular Kegel routine. It won’t give you a J-Lo booty or restore your milk bags to their former glory, but let’s just focus on one failing body part at a time here.

Knowledge is power, ladies. But so is a healthy body image. Remember: the best accessory any gal can own is confidence! No matter what route you choose: love yourself and others will too. And if they don’t, fuck ’em. Their loss. Because you are fabulous just the way you are.

with all my heart and extra-large lady bits,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.


31 Comments

  1. Wow Iris. You outdid yourself here. There is a diagram of a vajayjay on your page! Not candy, not cameltoe in jeans, but an actual hoo-ha!

    Oh, and hotdog down a hallway.

  2. I am going to be haunted, HAUNTED by that diagram.

    • Oh come on now. Embrace your anatomy, Alison. THAT is a pretty one. Be grateful I didn’t post some of the medical “before” shots that can be found at the plastic surgery websites. Now THOSE are haunting. Trust me.

  3. If anyone dares to tell my husband that this surgery exists I WILL cut you. Are we clear? Thought so.

    Bless your heart, Iris.

  4. Kristen Kotrlik

    July 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    This is the discussion they need to give the girls in middle school.
    I prefer to keep my dangle twat the way it is. I’m not going to get a “lid lift” nor am I going to have my asshole bleached, again… I prefer that it stands out- like a target. Wait…that’s not right….

  5. My husband told me long ago that I had a “good looking one”. I didn’t ask how he knew. Now he is just grateful if he get some action….wait I have to have a 30 minute heads up so I can take a pain pill.

    I can one up yah on the 3 kids….
    1. 9 pounds, 11 ounces.
    2. 8 pounds, 7 ounces, breech birth and yes I birthed her vaginally.
    3. 8 pounds, 13 ounces….DH said it was like a birth you see on TV.

    Oh and all without drugs. I live in Hippieland, California and they didn’t hand out epidurals back in the late 70s and early 80s like they do now.

    Now I would say just say, wake me when it’s over!

    • You are all woman, Cheryl! I salute you and your ginormous baby slide.

      • After the first baby, the midwife told me I “had a pelvis you could drive a Mack truck through”. I was 5’3″ and weighed less than 110 when I got pregnant!

        You know my DH hates implants, I think he would probably feel the same about this newest trend too. Swing low sweet chariot!

  6. Wow I thought the hair removal post was the best but this one is outrageous!!! I think I laughed so hard I probably need this procedure. Love your blog!!!

  7. Danielle@sixtasteschef

    July 6, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Thank you, Iris, for writing what I think about this bizarro trend, in a way that made me laugh! I love it that they take all these horrific surgeries and wrap them up in a whole prettily-monikered package. Who wouldn’t want to look like Wonder Woman with a Brazilian butt?!??!?

  8. Best entry, ever! Makes me want to march down the street proclaiming “I have a natural hoo hoo and I’m proud!”

    Then I’d get arrested.

    But I’d be proud of my oh so natural lady bits.

  9. Bernie Bickers

    July 6, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    And I thought we gents were obsessed with our junk….

    Billion dollar idea – a lube that starts out slick to “get things going” but then setslike molasses to satisfy everyone’s friction-addiction. We market it under the “Bearded Iris” moniker, split the proceeds 50%/50% and retire before my scalp catches up to your facial hair. Deal?

  10. Laughed so hard I almost peed…. maybe need to work on those Kegels… forget the surgery…. ‘You just need a man with a slow hand. And a lover with an easy touch. You just want somebody who will spend some time. Not come and go in a heated rush …’ Talk to yer Italian Stallion about the ‘Come Hither Touch’ & I guaran-damn-tee you will get yer ‘tingle’ back!!!

  11. LMAO!!!! I laughed so hard… get’s what happened? Ummmm yeah!!!! That’s what happens after 5 children, 2 of them twins!!

    You are tooooo funny!! I love that fact that your true kiddo!!!

  12. My hubs wasn’t too hot on the idea of me getting boobs but I won that battle. Yah I know, a man not wanting his wife to get boobs unheard of right?? He’s more of an ass guy. I hope he doesn’t hear about the LVR that might be his “payback”. However, I’d be okay with a little sucky sucky of the fat here… here… and here. Oh maybe some here too!

    Great post!

  13. You really have a way with words, euphemisms and creative genital nicknames. I say this with the utmost respect because really, is there a more important skill set a person can have? I think not.

  14. Well, I was hungry, until I scrolled down to your INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAM there. *gag*
    Yinz from the Burgh are so full of useful information…n’at.

    • Oh puh-lease, guuuuuurl. You’ve seen more shocking things than that if you’re willing to wear another woman’s SPANX, for cryin’ aht lahd. If yinz are from Ohia, that’s probably the least furry one you’ve ever feasted your eyes on. DOH!

  15. LMAO…..thanks for the chuckles on this Saturday morning. I go with the dim lights and supportive lingerie approach myself….and thankfully there are men out there that don’t come in wearing a headlamp!

  16. NOT COOL – you know I can’t laugh without peeing! I love ya, but I need an absorbent pad for my computer chair or something. Or that surgery, which I’d already heard of only because the ultrasound tech recommended it after seeing the size of my 3rd baby in utero. Thanks for the warning, ass.

    I’d feel inadequate after seeing that gorgeous vag picture, but you know she got that junk airbrushed.

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