Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? I’m a hairy woman. And it’s gotten worse over the years. Having a vajillion kids really messes with the hormones.
But it’s Tuesday, and you know I’m a giver. Today my tip for you is all about managing your excess body hair. It is swimsuit season here in the Northern Hemisphere, and most people don’t really want to see your short-n-curlies making a break for it out of the sides of your tankini bottom, ladies. Just sayin’.
Everything I’m about to share with you I’ve learned personally from trial and error.
It all started when I noticed my first chin hair over a decade ago. Now I have a full-fledged beard. And my eyebrows are migrating for the motherland. I actually cut myself shaving the other day…my toe. Seriously. If I ever have to spend time in the hoosegow or a traveling circus, I am going to be one popular mamacita.
Annie Jones toured with P.T. Barnum's circus in the 19th century.
I’ve tried myriad things to manage my facial hair. I’ve waxed it. I’ve bleached it. I’ve used creams that burn, irritate, and cause temporary facial paralysis. I’ve even tried laser hair removal, but to no avail. So now I just pluck, when I remember, or when one of my martini olives gets accidentally speared on my ‘stache. I also tend to wear very low cut tops. I find that people don’t really notice (or mind) my goatee when they are staring at my sweater puppets. Try this. It works.
Now, as for the bush, that is a different matter. It takes a lot more time and effort to keep my lady garden tidy. What can I say? My father’s ancestors are from Eastern Europe. Body hair protected my people from freezing to death on the Russian tundra. Less of an issue for this little ol’ Southern Belle. And besides, too much body hair makes my camel toe look fat.
I saw Dr. Oz on the Oprah show a few years ago and he was answering all kinds of embarrassing questions from the ladies in the audience. Well, one of the guests was asking about the Brazilian Bikini Wax, and Oprah was riveted! You know that face she makes like “Aw, HAYLE no! (Am I supposed to do that?)”?? It was the same face I made when I found out that ladies are having their buttholes bleached.
"WHAT the WHAT? ALL the hair? Even the butt hair???.... And women pay a stranger to do that? Seriously?"
Well Dr. Oz said that the real evolutionary purpose of pubic hair is to absorb odor and disburse pheromones to attract a mate. I’m picturing a furry cave lady not-so-subtlely wafting her scent in the direction of the caveman football team. Maybe if Ashley had tried this, Bentley wouldn’t have left The Bachelorette so early.
Personally, I prefer a freshly washed goodie basket any day of the week. I think that was the same episode when Dr. Oz called the vagina a “self-cleaning oven.” Um, excuse me, Dr. Oz…I don’t know what kind of fancy-ass-8-burner-Viking-style-stainless-steel-range-and-cooktop-combo you’ve got going on in your condo, but here in my modest suburban prison, the self-cleaning oven still needs a pretty regular spritz of EASY-OFF®, if you know what I mean.
So yes, back to my undercarriage. I’ve tried just about everything down yonder. I’ve shaved it: ouch. Waxed it myself: too hard. Plucked it: tedious. Spent the big bucks on a Brazilian Bikini Wax: humiliating. Gone native: Sas-crotch.
What is a hairy and harried mother of three to do? I don’t think my husband really cares. He’s just happy to get something once in a while…he’s not going to complain about the groundskeeping. But still, you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Wait. Let’s try that again. It’s called curb appeal, people. If your body is your temple, your foundation shrubbery should not be ignored.
Well, imagine my delight at finding a new hair removal product that I can use at home, by myself, that only takes about 10 minutes, for pennies on the dollar? Brace yourself. This is a beauty secret that you definitely won’t hear at the Curl Up and Dye hair salon.
I have recently started using Magic Cream shave depilatory. Made by SoftSheen-Carson, this razorless beard remover is “formulated exclusively for black men.” Don’t adjust your screen. There is nothing wrong with your eyes. Yes, this is a cream made for the faces of black men, and yours truly is slathering it on my white, female, naughty parts. And since it is gentle enough for faces, you can put it EVERYWHERE down there and get results just like a Brazilian or Hollywood style wax job. Butt-hair, be gone!
How in the world did I discover this, you ask? Well, one of my very good friends (who would like to remain nameless) told me about it. She discovered this gem from a discussion board on one of the parenting web sites! And you thought we were exchanging organic carob chip cookie recipes and ideas for regimenting our children’s sleep schedules. Think again, honey. Women of the 21st century are swapping hygiene and grooming tips for their battered beavaroonies on babycenter.com. Gawd, I love the Internet.
So a 6 oz. tube of Magic Cream costs about $3-$4, but I just saw that you can bid on it by the lot on eBay. Wow, the secret must be out if people are auctioning this shit in bulk. Me? I’m not much of an Internet shopper. Besides, I really have a lot of fun buying this stuff at my local mega store in person. It is some good clean fun to buy a product that looks like this:
…in one of the most red-necky places on Earth. Don’t you just love antagonizing the white supremacists bagging your purchases at the Walmart? Oh Lordy. It just doesn’t get any better ‘an ‘at.
Here’s what you can expect if you try this product at home:
- It smells a little like a bad perm, but not overwhelming.
- You need to keep it on for about 5-10 minutes (for me, closer to 10)…make sure you have a book or magazine to read while you wait for the Magic to happen.
- LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. If your kids barge in they are going to freak the freak out. “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
- To remove: use a washcloth and some elbow grease in the shower.
One other thing to note: the magic only lasts for a few days, and the stubble is not pleasant. But like my anonymous friend says, “You don’t get the up-do three days before the prom. ‘Black-Man’ your crotch on a Friday morning and set the tone for the whole weekend.” Oh. Yes. She. Did.
That girl is somethin’, ya’ll. If you ever find a friend who will share a beauty tip like THIS, never let her go.
Alrighty then. You are armed and fabulous. Go take care of bidness, ladies!
I share, because I care.
-Iris
© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.
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Omg I’ve haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thank you do much for sharing this information – I too am a hairy female. I’ve been strongly considering laser but hear it didn’t work for you is such a drag so going to try the magic!
Awesome!!
I just about lost it! Greatest post ever. You have to watch the youtube video, Mrs. Brown gets a bikini wax. I laughed until I cried. funniest shit ever!!!!
This was the first post of yours I ever read, and I have had it in the back of my mind to try for the last year. Well, I am an avid couponer, and what did I come across last week??? $1.50 off 1 Magic Cream!!! I went to THREE Walmarts, and all three were CLEANED OUT! I’ll just hold on to it until they re-stock, but I am so excited to try it, and I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy to hear that you’re sticking around!!!
Oh. My. Gawd. I have just fallen deeply, madly in love with you, and your insane sense of humor that just twisted enough to make me look normal. (That’s saying a lot! Hundreds of “normal citizens”, the Kansas City Star and half the staff at the Henry Doorly Zoo can’t be wrong…)
Bless you and your equally fabulous sense of humor.
Oh. Man. This. Is. AWESOME. (and so much funnier knowing that middle-school kids may have read it! Sorry. I’m a middle-school teacher and blogger. I understand the possible mortification of knowing middle-schoolers that read your blog.) FWIW, I use Nair for the same thing.