DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips

Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? I’m a hairy woman. And it’s gotten worse over the years. Having a vajillion kids really messes with the hormones.

But it’s Tuesday, and you know I’m a giver. Today my tip for you is all about managing your excess body hair. It is swimsuit season here in the Northern Hemisphere, and most people don’t really want to see your short-n-curlies making a break for it out of the sides of your tankini bottom, ladies. Just sayin’.

Everything I’m about to share with you I’ve learned personally from trial and error.

It all started when I noticed my first chin hair over a decade ago. Now I have a full-fledged beard. And my eyebrows are migrating for the motherland. I actually cut myself shaving the other day…my toe. Seriously. If I ever have to spend time in the hoosegow or a traveling circus, I am going to be one popular mamacita.

Annie Jones toured with P.T. Barnum’s circus in the 19th century.

I’ve tried myriad things to manage my facial hair. I’ve waxed it. I’ve bleached it. I’ve used creams that burn, irritate, and cause temporary facial paralysis. I’ve even tried laser hair removal, but to no avail. So now I just pluck, when I remember, or when one of my martini olives gets accidentally speared on my ‘stache. I also tend to wear very low cut tops.  I find that people don’t really notice (or mind) my goatee when they are staring at my sweater puppets. Try this. It works.

Now, as for the bush, that is a different matter. It takes a lot more time and effort to keep my lady garden tidy. What can I say? My father’s ancestors are from Eastern Europe. Body hair protected my people from freezing to death on the Russian tundra. Less of an issue for this little ol’ Southern Belle. And besides, too much body hair makes my camel toe look fat.

I saw Dr. Oz on the Oprah show a few years ago and he was answering all kinds of embarrassing questions from the ladies in the audience. Well, one of the guests was asking about the Brazilian Bikini Wax, and Oprah was riveted! You know that face she makes like “Aw, HAYLE no! (Am I supposed to do that?)”?? It was the same face I made when I found out that ladies are having their buttholes bleached.

“WHAT the WHAT? ALL the hair? Even the butt hair???…. And women pay a stranger to do that? Seriously?”

Well Dr. Oz said that the real evolutionary purpose of pubic hair is to absorb odor and disburse pheromones to attract a mate. I’m picturing a furry cave lady not-so-subtlely wafting her scent in the direction of the caveman football team. Maybe if Ashley had tried this, Bentley wouldn’t have left The Bachelorette so early.

Personally, I prefer a freshly washed goodie basket any day of the week. I think that was the same episode when Dr. Oz called the vagina a “self-cleaning oven.” Um, excuse me, Dr. Oz…I don’t know what kind of fancy-ass-8-burner-Viking-style-stainless-steel-range-and-cooktop-combo you’ve got going on in your condo, but here in my modest suburban prison, the self-cleaning oven still needs a pretty regular spritz of EASY-OFF®, if you know what I mean.

So yes, back to my undercarriage. I’ve tried just about everything down yonder. I’ve shaved it: ouch. Waxed it myself: too hard. Plucked it: tedious. Spent the big bucks on a Brazilian Bikini Wax: humiliating. Gone native: Sas-crotch.

What is a hairy and harried mother of three to do? I don’t think my husband really cares. He’s just happy to get something once in a while…he’s not going to complain about the groundskeeping. But still, you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Wait. Let’s try that again. It’s called curb appeal, people. If your body is your temple, your foundation shrubbery should not be ignored.

Well, imagine my delight at finding a new hair removal product that I can use at home, by myself, that only takes about 10 minutes, for pennies on the dollar? Brace yourself.  This is a beauty secret that you definitely won’t hear at the Curl Up and Dye hair salon.

I have recently started using Magic Cream shave depilatory. Made by SoftSheen-Carson, this razorless beard remover is “formulated exclusively for black men.” Don’t adjust your screen. There is nothing wrong with your eyes. Yes, this is a cream made for the faces of black men, and yours truly is slathering it on my white, female, naughty parts. And since it is gentle enough for faces, you can put it EVERYWHERE down there and get results just like a Brazilian or Hollywood style wax job. Butt-hair, be gone!

How in the world did I discover this, you ask? Well, one of my very good friends (who would like to remain nameless) told me about it. She discovered this gem from a discussion board on one of the parenting web sites! And you thought we were exchanging organic carob chip cookie recipes and ideas for regimenting our children’s sleep schedules. Think again, honey. Women of the 21st century are swapping hygiene and grooming tips for their battered beavaroonies on babycenter.com. Gawd, I love the Internet.

So a 6 oz. tube of Magic Razorless Cream Shave* costs about $3-$4, but I just saw that you can bid on it by the lot on eBay. Wow, the secret must be out if people are auctioning this shit in bulk. Me? I’m not much of an Internet shopper. Besides, I really have a lot of fun buying this stuff at my local mega store in person. It is some good clean fun to buy a product that looks like this:

…in one of the most red-necky places on Earth.  Don’t you just love antagonizing the white supremacists bagging your purchases at the Walmart? Oh Lordy. It just doesn’t get any better ‘an ‘at.

Here’s what you can expect if you try this product at home:

  • It smells a little like a bad perm, but not overwhelming.
  • You need to keep it on for about 5-10 minutes (for me, closer to 10)…make sure you have a book or magazine to read while you wait for the Magic to happen.
  • LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. If your kids barge in they are going to freak the freak out. “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
  • To remove: use a washcloth and some elbow grease in the shower.

One other thing to note: the magic only lasts for a few days, and the stubble is not pleasant. But like my anonymous friend says, “You don’t get the up-do three days before the prom. ‘Black-Man’ your crotch on a Friday morning and set the tone for the whole weekend.” Oh. Yes. She. Did.

That girl is somethin’, ya’ll. If you ever find a friend who will share a beauty tip like THIS, never let her go.

Alrighty then. You are armed and fabulous. Go take care of bidness, ladies!

I share, because I care.

-Leslie (aka “Iris”)

*affiliate link to my Amazon store. 
 

VOTY HonoreeAmended: Thank you so much to the members of the BlogHer VOTY Committee who enjoyed this post enough to name it one of the 2012 Voices of the Year in the Humor Category! I am truly honored!

 

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.

About The Bearded Iris

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, humorist, blogger, life hacker, and invisible vessel for grandchildren and PTA donations.
This entry was posted in lady business, practical and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

164 Responses to DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips

  1. DGee says:

    Hilariousness, seriously.

    I’m in much the same boat.

    You didn’t mention whether you tried it on your face though!

    :)

  2. MommaLynnea says:

    Yup.. just did it again today.. been doing it for over a year and no adverse side effects (well maybe I’m tired because a certain spouse keeps poking me). I tell my friends about it all the time… oh… and you made me laugh out loud…

    • Great testimonial, MommaLynnea! Thanks! Glad you’re here and that you like this post enough to laugh out loud and share with your friends. ‘Preciate it!

  3. MommaLynnea says:

    I’m betting we saw it on the same parenting page… lol

  4. John says:

    Hello. I am a black male. I have used Magic Shave on my face and head for years. I recently started using it on my man parts. It works great… balls and all! Lol! I have a question though. We are trying to figure out a safe way to use it on my lady. When you apply it how do you manage to do the “crevices” like around the clit and the inside of the outer labia? Thanks for ur help!

  5. “Body hair…Russian tundra”. Man I nearly squealed out loud in the middle of the cafe…yes I have 3 kids and I’m in a CAFE before it’s time to pick up the youngest. But let’s get back to your hair…ooh let’s… Seriously? Laser didn’t work? I’m Indian…we could write the book on body and facial hair and I have to say discovering laser (which admittedly is super affordable where I live) has changed my life. My chin was a horror show before. They say the rain forest is being destroyed. Well guess what folks? It showed up on my chin after I had kids. But LASER oh thank you. Under arms fab. Legs fab. Upper lip…forget it…I walked around with permanent five o’clock shadow and went back to good ol DIY wax strips. Bikini line….well the actual lady garden has a mind of its own but er the peripheral areas are fine (wow how’s that for oversharing?) but the hairs on my chinny chin chin? GONE. Give laser a try again I urge you.

  6. Marcia says:

    I use it on my underarms, my face, legs, and down below. The one that I use says to use either the back edge of a butter knife, or a special plastic spatula.

    I highly recommend it, and have been using it over 20 years now.

  7. nyc_jessy says:

    Oh my Lord, I can’t even tell you how I found you (your site) but am I glad I did?! 1st let me say, you are hysterical. Its like reading something I’ve writting but don’t recall writting it cuz I did it on my “im takin a mommy day dammit! There’s hotdogs & pancake mix in the fridge kids, go to town” while bangin back a couple (or 4) bottles of Strawberry Arbor Mist. Lol I’m a fan for life & goin to hit the 24hr walmart cuz before this day is done, by George ima have a squeaky vajayjay if it kills me & by the grace of the good Lord above (& the makers of the black man’s hair removal) I hope to have NO MORE of the 6 o’clock shadow (yes I said 6, its so bad I could work in Coney Islands boardwalk freak show as the bearded lady) o.O pray for me ladies! Thank you again for your share, I’ll be back to check in ad this is now my fav site. Smooches :-*:-*:-*

  8. Tess lady says:

    I have joked for years that my father (whoever the #€££ that is) must have been Sasquatch because I am one hairy lady, so your sas-crotch comment so resonated with me! I have read like 30 articles this evening trying to find something to make my newly (6months ago) c-sectioned vag-jay-jay look a little better. Who knew they cut you that low! Shaving is a little more difficult due to extra weight and residual numbness OVER the scar. I am seriously going to order this tonight and maybe get some of my former confidence back!

  9. Amanda says:

    Has anyone noticed that using this on their female parts made their clitoris less sensitive?

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