The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

DIY Feminine Hygiene Tips

Let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we? I’m a hairy woman. And it’s gotten worse over the years. Having a vajillion kids really messes with the hormones.

But it’s Tuesday, and you know I’m a giver. Today my tip for you is all about managing your excess body hair. It is swimsuit season here in the Northern Hemisphere, and most people don’t really want to see your short-n-curlies making a break for it out of the sides of your tankini bottom, ladies. Just sayin’.

Everything I’m about to share with you I’ve learned personally from trial and error.

It all started when I noticed my first chin hair over a decade ago. Now I have a full-fledged beard. And my eyebrows are migrating for the motherland. I actually cut myself shaving the other day…my toe. Seriously. If I ever have to spend time in the hoosegow or a traveling circus, I am going to be one popular mamacita.

Annie Jones toured with P.T. Barnum’s circus in the 19th century.

I’ve tried myriad things to manage my facial hair. I’ve waxed it. I’ve bleached it. I’ve used creams that burn, irritate, and cause temporary facial paralysis. I’ve even tried laser hair removal, but to no avail. So now I just pluck, when I remember, or when one of my martini olives gets accidentally speared on my ‘stache. I also tend to wear very low cut tops.  I find that people don’t really notice (or mind) my goatee when they are staring at my sweater puppets. Try this. It works.

Now, as for the bush, that is a different matter. It takes a lot more time and effort to keep my lady garden tidy. What can I say? My father’s ancestors are from Eastern Europe. Body hair protected my people from freezing to death on the Russian tundra. Less of an issue for this little ol’ Southern Belle. And besides, too much body hair makes my camel toe look fat.

I saw Dr. Oz on the Oprah show a few years ago and he was answering all kinds of embarrassing questions from the ladies in the audience. Well, one of the guests was asking about the Brazilian Bikini Wax, and Oprah was riveted! You know that face she makes like “Aw, HAYLE no! (Am I supposed to do that?)”?? It was the same face I made when I found out that ladies are having their buttholes bleached.

“WHAT the WHAT? ALL the hair? Even the butt hair???…. And women pay a stranger to do that? Seriously?”

Well Dr. Oz said that the real evolutionary purpose of pubic hair is to absorb odor and disburse pheromones to attract a mate. I’m picturing a furry cave lady not-so-subtlely wafting her scent in the direction of the caveman football team. Maybe if Ashley had tried this, Bentley wouldn’t have left The Bachelorette so early.

Personally, I prefer a freshly washed goodie basket any day of the week. I think that was the same episode when Dr. Oz called the vagina a “self-cleaning oven.” Um, excuse me, Dr. Oz…I don’t know what kind of fancy-ass-8-burner-Viking-style-stainless-steel-range-and-cooktop-combo you’ve got going on in your condo, but here in my modest suburban prison, the self-cleaning oven still needs a pretty regular spritz of EASY-OFF®, if you know what I mean.

So yes, back to my undercarriage. I’ve tried just about everything down yonder. I’ve shaved it: ouch. Waxed it myself: too hard. Plucked it: tedious. Spent the big bucks on a Brazilian Bikini Wax: humiliating. Gone native: Sas-crotch.

What is a hairy and harried mother of three to do? I don’t think my husband really cares. He’s just happy to get something once in a while…he’s not going to complain about the groundskeeping. But still, you attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. Wait. Let’s try that again. It’s called curb appeal, people. If your body is your temple, your foundation shrubbery should not be ignored.

Well, imagine my delight at finding a new hair removal product that I can use at home, by myself, that only takes about 10 minutes, for pennies on the dollar? Brace yourself.  This is a beauty secret that you definitely won’t hear at the Curl Up and Dye hair salon.

I have recently started using Magic Cream shave depilatory. Made by SoftSheen-Carson, this razorless beard remover is “formulated exclusively for black men.” Don’t adjust your screen. There is nothing wrong with your eyes. Yes, this is a cream made for the faces of black men, and yours truly is slathering it on my white, female, naughty parts. And since it is gentle enough for faces, you can put it EVERYWHERE down there and get results just like a Brazilian or Hollywood style wax job. Butt-hair, be gone!

How in the world did I discover this, you ask? Well, one of my very good friends (who would like to remain nameless) told me about it. She discovered this gem from a discussion board on one of the parenting web sites! And you thought we were exchanging organic carob chip cookie recipes and ideas for regimenting our children’s sleep schedules. Think again, honey. Women of the 21st century are swapping hygiene and grooming tips for their battered beavaroonies on babycenter.com. Gawd, I love the Internet.

So a 6 oz. tube of Magic Razorless Cream Shave* costs about $3-$4, but I just saw that you can bid on it by the lot on eBay. Wow, the secret must be out if people are auctioning this shit in bulk. Me? I’m not much of an Internet shopper. Besides, I really have a lot of fun buying this stuff at my local mega store in person. It is some good clean fun to buy a product that looks like this:

…in one of the most red-necky places on Earth.  Don’t you just love antagonizing the white supremacists bagging your purchases at the Walmart? Oh Lordy. It just doesn’t get any better ‘an ‘at.

Here’s what you can expect if you try this product at home:

  • It smells a little like a bad perm, but not overwhelming.
  • You need to keep it on for about 5-10 minutes (for me, closer to 10)…make sure you have a book or magazine to read while you wait for the Magic to happen.
  • LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR. If your kids barge in they are going to freak the freak out. “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.
  • To remove: use a washcloth and some elbow grease in the shower.

One other thing to note: the magic only lasts for a few days, and the stubble is not pleasant. But like my anonymous friend says, “You don’t get the up-do three days before the prom. Magic Cream your crotch on a Friday morning and set the tone for the whole weekend.” Oh. Yes. She. Did.

That girl is somethin’, ya’ll. If you ever find a friend who will share a beauty tip like THIS, never let her go.

Alrighty then. You are armed and fabulous. Go take care of bidness, ladies!

I share, because I care.

-Leslie (aka “Iris”)

*affiliate link to my Amazon store. 
 

VOTY HonoreeAmended: Thank you so much to the members of the BlogHer VOTY Committee who enjoyed this post enough to name it one of the 2012 Voices of the Year in the Humor Category! I am truly honored!

 

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris. All rights reserved.

150 Comments

  1. I just about lost it! Greatest post ever. You have to watch the youtube video, Mrs. Brown gets a bikini wax. I laughed until I cried. funniest shit ever!!!!

  2. This was the first post of yours I ever read, and I have had it in the back of my mind to try for the last year. Well, I am an avid couponer, and what did I come across last week??? $1.50 off 1 Magic Cream!!! I went to THREE Walmarts, and all three were CLEANED OUT! I’ll just hold on to it until they re-stock, but I am so excited to try it, and I am SOOOOOOOOOO happy to hear that you’re sticking around!!!

  3. Oh. My. Gawd. I have just fallen deeply, madly in love with you, and your insane sense of humor that just twisted enough to make me look normal. (That’s saying a lot! Hundreds of “normal citizens”, the Kansas City Star and half the staff at the Henry Doorly Zoo can’t be wrong…)
    Bless you and your equally fabulous sense of humor. :)

  4. Oh. Man. This. Is. AWESOME. (and so much funnier knowing that middle-school kids may have read it! Sorry. I’m a middle-school teacher and blogger. I understand the possible mortification of knowing middle-schoolers that read your blog.) FWIW, I use Nair for the same thing. :)

  5. “Black-man your crotch”. Hallmark, here you come. So hilarious! Congrats on your VOTY! :-)

  6. Oh.Holy.Crap. That’s the funniest thing ever. I’m gonna black man my lady garden, I think. Congrats on the VOTY honor! Proud to be on that list with you!

  7. Carlene Hadwin

    June 3, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I just found your blog looking for a way to remove gel nail polish at home. You are a girl after my own heart! Gonna share with my friends. We’re Southern girls too! Thanks for blogging!

  8. This is genius!!!!!! I read your post last night, picked the cream up today, and oh my stars it is incredible!! It works so freaking good!!!!! Thank you, thank you for posting!! :)

    (one question, so when the stubble grows back, how badly does it itch and will hydrocortisone cream be good enough to sooth it?

    Thanks again! :)

    • Thanks Jade! I’m a few days into my stubble period right now in fact and it really isn’t that bad. It’s definitely not bad enough for hydrocortisone. But then again, if you can’t stand the stubble, just keep applying your Magic Cream and it won’t be an issue. Thanks for reading my blog!

  9. I totally just snorted. Out loud. I started to explain, but apparently was shut down with, “Don’t. Just don’t.” Fine. More for me – the girl with Snow White fair skin and jet black hair. (Yeah, they totally leave the groundskeeping conversation out of that Disney fairytale thankyouverymuch.)

    In any case, I often wonder what possesses someone to say, “You know what would be a good idea?!” And now, I have an idea…

  10. Bahahaha! i loved all of this. and maybe im buying that on amazon right after i post this…

  11. You’re a genius, no less (maybe more ;))

  12. This is my first time visiting. I really hate people who are funnier than me. But I have to love you – who wouldn’t? Will SO try Magic Cream! So funny that it’s for Black Men. I’m following you forever!!

  13. Dear Iris: Just to let you know, there are some men on the planet, me being one, who thinks that the more hair “all over down there” is a real turn on. If it is clean and perfumed, it will become a heavenly nest.

  14. Ok, I’m a black woman who has known about Magic shave her whole life. I never thought to use it to tend my lady garden. Now, I wish I had because Nair is expensive and every man I dated and my ex husband used it. I could have been creating curb appeal for free! Better late than never. Thanks for the tip!

  15. I have used Nair before on my legs and while it was on it hurt really bad (a burning sensation), while this is on your skin for the 5-10min does it have a burning sensation like Nair?

    • Well, it really depends on 1.) how sensitive your skin is and 2.) how “enthusiastic” you are about the application. If you get all up in your vagizness, it will probably sting a little. It sounds like you have pretty sensitive skin, so I would tread lightly. Maybe test it in your armpit first (not right after shaving though.) Good luck and let’s be careful out (in) there. :)

  16. I got a great laugh reading this, but need to tell you to use a beard and mustache trimmer to trim up down there, works great and no unpleasant itching when it grows back. I usually trim up once a week in the summer and couple times a month in the winter.

  17. My favorite part is imagining you buy this stuff. I can’t even imagine putting it on and enduring the smell for 5-10 minutes. No what jose. K-ster gets what he gets and if he complains, I don’t even listen. I put myself through enough torture, I’m not worrying about the nether regions. Hysterical story!

  18. Wow!I love your sense of humour! and Being a black female, I’m pretty surprised I haven’t thought to use the “Magic” down there….My father always has a ton of that stuff which he uses RELIGIOUSLY.

  19. HAHA I love that you are so open about any and all taboo topics and thanks for the laughs.

  20. Oh wow. That was pure awesomeness. I clicked on the button because I thought, No way she really has a button that’s about feminine hygiene, but here it is. In all it’s hairless glory.

    Thank you for the laugh – you have a new minion.

  21. OMG, I can’t remember the last thing I read that made me laugh this hard; I was crying! Thank you so much for sharing! My hubby loves when I “hack through the jungle” as he puts it (knowing I don’t take offense), but it’s such a burden to me…I’m definitely trying this tip out ASAP!

  22. I am a brand spanking new blogger… and I can only hope to be as great of a blogger as you are when I grow up! Please check out my beginning posts and let me know what you think!

    And on a serious not… Thank. You. I am headed to Ebay…. (after I stop laughing and catch my breath!)

  23. Sandra Sallin

    July 28, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    OMG, you are hysterical. I found you through Julie Deneen.

    “MOM! Why are you spreading frosting onto your vagina?!” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that.

    I’m still laughing at that one. Good for you!

  24. OMG!! That was hysterical!! Now my son is looking over my shoulder with a questioning look on his face and I am thanking my lucky stars that he can’t read that well yet!!!

  25. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages! Hysterical!

  26. Damn! I love you! Just like me, you tell it like it is. If you lived near Annapolis, you could be my best friend. Trust me, we are kindred spirits. I get accused of oversharing on FB all the time…

  27. THIS. Is the best thing I’ve read in a LONG time. Imma be lookin’ for some of that stuff! Thanks! :)

  28. Just wanted to add that I was informed of magic by a friend about a year ago and it is definitely worth every penny (which is about what it cost. I just recently thought about using it on my face and just wanted to know a little more on your experience with it on that part. I am starting to have those course black unruly chin hairs and lots of soft blonde hairs that show brightly in the sunshine! I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and don’t want to jack my face up but don’t have the money for waxing. Thoughts?

    • Hi Brandy!

      I have never used it on my face, and probably wouldn’t experiment with it right before a big day like a wedding. What about buying one of those battery operated trimmers and just doing that the morning of the wedding? I have one of those and use it on my face for special occasions. Good luck and congrats!

  29. You are just too funny!!..you know?..I’ve known about “Black Magic” (as I refer to it). For a long time. The other day as I was sharing “the knowledge” with a friend who was having issues with the upkeep of her shrubbery I got a quizzy look when I recommended her to use black men’s depilatory cream.
    So as I was looking for published information to support my recommendation , I came across your article..I’m can’t stop laughing!!. I have become an instant fan of your blog!. Humor has to be the best medicine for a ton of things!!..thanks

  30. im in tears way to start my morning off lol! kudos!!!!!!

  31. Lol…lol…lol!!!!! This is good info with a good sense of humor! :)

  32. Woke my kids up laughing at’‘Black-Man’ your crotch’ . Carried one kid back upstairs still unable to stop randomly spewing muffled chuckles. Woke the baby up on the way back downstairs giggling. Got baby back to sleep and woke the oldest up when I used the bathroom next to his and thought,”Better lock the door… ahAHAHAHa!”

    Thank you for ruining my evening alone time. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    • Insanely proud! Every time someone laughs at my words, I sprout another chest hair. (Metaphorical AND literal chest hair.) Glad you enjoyed it! And sorry about waking your kids. :)

  33. To be corny, I laughed and learned reading this. I think I need to try keeping my foot of the brakes more often this year when I’m writing. Although I’m pretty sure I won’t have the balls for this :)

  34. I was reading this yesterday and bought the ‘magic’ today! I just used it and my hair down there is pretty thick. I kept it on for 10 minutes and I still had a little trouble with getting the stubborn hair out. And some are still there at the moment. And also after I was rinceing it with water I felt a little burn. It was closer to the more sensitive skin. But I just wanted to know if it was normal and if it was safe to either leave it on longer or to re-apply tomorrow. Thank you so much for your help!

    • Hi Abby – thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, I think a little bit of burning is probably to be expected, especially around the more delicate areas, but I don’t know if I would be brave enough to use the product two days in a row. Maybe give it a week and then try again, but a few minutes longer. DISCLAIMER – I AM JUST A WRITER, NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT, so use at your own risk! :)

  35. YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!! I stumbled over this article while looking for something else (don’t ask *sigh*) and I’m glad that I read it. You covered the issue that most people get super awkward about in a really funny and fun way!

  36. Oh Leslie! I can’t begin to thank you for this hilarious and oh-so valuable tip! No lie, I need this product something bad! Right now, it looks like I’m smuggling cotton balls in my yoga pants. But on the bright side, my cat loves curling up in my lap- so there’s that.

    I can’t wait to try this! Thank you! And thank your friend for me!

  37. Hilariousness, seriously.

    I’m in much the same boat.

    You didn’t mention whether you tried it on your face though!

    :)

  38. Yup.. just did it again today.. been doing it for over a year and no adverse side effects (well maybe I’m tired because a certain spouse keeps poking me). I tell my friends about it all the time… oh… and you made me laugh out loud…

    • Great testimonial, MommaLynnea! Thanks! Glad you’re here and that you like this post enough to laugh out loud and share with your friends. ‘Preciate it!

  39. I’m betting we saw it on the same parenting page… lol

  40. Hello. I am a black male. I have used Magic Shave on my face and head for years. I recently started using it on my man parts. It works great… balls and all! Lol! I have a question though. We are trying to figure out a safe way to use it on my lady. When you apply it how do you manage to do the “crevices” like around the clit and the inside of the outer labia? Thanks for ur help!

  41. “Body hair…Russian tundra”. Man I nearly squealed out loud in the middle of the cafe…yes I have 3 kids and I’m in a CAFE before it’s time to pick up the youngest. But let’s get back to your hair…ooh let’s… Seriously? Laser didn’t work? I’m Indian…we could write the book on body and facial hair and I have to say discovering laser (which admittedly is super affordable where I live) has changed my life. My chin was a horror show before. They say the rain forest is being destroyed. Well guess what folks? It showed up on my chin after I had kids. But LASER oh thank you. Under arms fab. Legs fab. Upper lip…forget it…I walked around with permanent five o’clock shadow and went back to good ol DIY wax strips. Bikini line….well the actual lady garden has a mind of its own but er the peripheral areas are fine (wow how’s that for oversharing?) but the hairs on my chinny chin chin? GONE. Give laser a try again I urge you.

  42. I use it on my underarms, my face, legs, and down below. The one that I use says to use either the back edge of a butter knife, or a special plastic spatula.

    I highly recommend it, and have been using it over 20 years now.

  43. Oh my Lord, I can’t even tell you how I found you (your site) but am I glad I did?! 1st let me say, you are hysterical. Its like reading something I’ve writting but don’t recall writting it cuz I did it on my “im takin a mommy day dammit! There’s hotdogs & pancake mix in the fridge kids, go to town” while bangin back a couple (or 4) bottles of Strawberry Arbor Mist. Lol I’m a fan for life & goin to hit the 24hr walmart cuz before this day is done, by George ima have a squeaky vajayjay if it kills me & by the grace of the good Lord above (& the makers of the black man’s hair removal) I hope to have NO MORE of the 6 o’clock shadow (yes I said 6, its so bad I could work in Coney Islands boardwalk freak show as the bearded lady) o.O pray for me ladies! Thank you again for your share, I’ll be back to check in ad this is now my fav site. Smooches :-*:-*:-*

  44. I have joked for years that my father (whoever the #€££ that is) must have been Sasquatch because I am one hairy lady, so your sas-crotch comment so resonated with me! I have read like 30 articles this evening trying to find something to make my newly (6months ago) c-sectioned vag-jay-jay look a little better. Who knew they cut you that low! Shaving is a little more difficult due to extra weight and residual numbness OVER the scar. I am seriously going to order this tonight and maybe get some of my former confidence back!

  45. Has anyone noticed that using this on their female parts made their clitoris less sensitive?

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