The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Don’t try this at home.

This week’s Listography over at Kate Takes 5 is all about Bad Combinations. Here are a few perfect examples taken from Kate’s sister’s Facebook page:

Wind \ Hair \ Lipgloss

Old people \ The Internet

Bikini Waxes \ Dignity

To which Kate added her own list of five. Very funny – and true. Especially if you have young kids and/or know what Sudocream is.

I’d like to add a few of my own, based upon personal experience. The rules of Listography limit me to just five, which is unfortunate because I feel like creating bad combos might just be my forté. Come to think of it, pretty much every Listography I’ve ever participated in deals with the inappropriate pairing of things… like gum chewing and Communion wafers, Catholic Picture Bibles and Satan reach arounds, nine year old suburban white girls and Barry White albums, emotionally retarded adult children of divorce and weddings. Hmmm… have I just cracked some kind of top secret Irish code?

So, not wanting to take the easy way out, I thought I’d reflect on some additional bad combos I’ve experienced in life. Here is just a small sample, ribbed for your pleasure:

1.) snapping turtle \ impromptu roadside petting zoo

snapping turtles bite... duh.

Image credit: Phillip Higgins

Apparently, they’re called Snapping Turtles for a reason. Who knew?

2.) chopping jalapeno peppers \ removing contact lenses
I’m pretty sure every child in my neighborhood is now familiar with the howled version of the phrase: “HOLY FUCKING HELL! MY EYES! MY EYES! I’VE BLINDED MYSELF! AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!”

3.) really nice Scouting dads \ me \ playing cornhole


4.) Christmas party \ winter white wool dress slacks \ explosive diarrhea
Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t just wear a diaper to my sister in law’s house every Christmas Eve. I’m not sure if it is her homemade eggnogg, or the raw oysters, or just a psychosomatic response at this point, but something horrific happens in my bowels every year shortly after our holiday dinner at her house. Every. Single. Frickin’. Year. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m not invited back next year, so it shouldn’t be an issue. Wow, imagine that, a poop story. Weird. So unlike me.

5.) parent-teacher conference \ speech impaired child \ dick jokes
True story. Last week The Gatekeeper and I went in for Bucket Head’s Speech IEP (Individualized Education Plan). Partway into the meeting, Bucket Head comes over to tell us “Look at my magic dick!” Of course, what he was holding was not his penis at all, but rather a magnetic wand, or STICK. However, since he can’t articulate beginning blends like “ST,” he substitutes the “D” sound. “Stick” becomes “dick.” Magical? Indeed. Oh yes, I did. And oh no, it wasn’t appreciated (or probably even noticed). Feeling the unbearable weight of the airborne potential joke, I even asked Bucket Head to repeat it: “What’s that thing called honey?” “My magic dick!” “Oh that’s awesome! Daddy has one of those too.” Nope. Nothing. Like casting pearls to swine, I tells ya. But thank God for you people! At least someone appreciates my humor.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to prepare some skits for my church’s Vacation Bible School. What? Is that another bad combo? Oh, fine. Don’t worry, I won’t perform them sober.

yours truly,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

18 Comments

  1. When you said last year you’d been bitten by a snapping turtle, I thought it was some kind of metaphor.

  2. Thank you for reminding me of the “Corn hole” post. I’m now laughing both on the inside and outside.

    Has Listography done a list of unfortunate movie double bills? My friend in Glasgow swears he saw, in the 80s, a triple bill listing Big Frantic Shag. Although that hilarious joke is predicated on the knowledge that “shag” in British vernacular is another word for the sexual act.
    And then there’s Schindler’s List/The Producers, Dumbo/The Elephant Man, Ragtime/First blood, Carrie/Annie, March of the Penguins/Pink Flamingoes …this is getting bad…

  3. Oh brilliant! I’ve fallen victim to no. 2 myself…ouch. But Corn Hole – what the hell is that? Actually don’t answer that – my own images of magic dicks and corn holes will do fine.

  4. I may just have to volunteer for VBS this year!

  5. After going back and reading your Cub Scout post, all I have to say is I’m SO glad to finally find a kindred spirit that shares my disdain for attending kids events sober!!! Let’s face it, a slight haze makes even the kindergarten concert bearable… (and sort of sounds like Michael Buble – if you press your hands against your ears really hard)…

    My dear husband is addicted to Corn Hole… I think he only plays because of the name… in fact, I’m certain of it.

    Once again you have brightened my day, Iris!!

  6. At the risk of taking this conversation even lower than corn holes what about
    talking about corn on the cob to sex maniacs? http://mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com/2007/01/corn-on-cob-not-just-for-dinner.html

  7. I needed that laugh. It’s a pisser of a day here in Indiana. Thanks Iris.

  8. Why would they name that game corn hole. It’s constantly played here at the beach in the summer and it seems like everyone is saying corn hole at least 15 times per 10 minute conversation and NOT laughing. I can’t handle it.

  9. “Corn hole” are words that don’t belong together, in fact there aren’t many words that go with hole**. Like “Big Frantic Shag” – although that does have some merit.

    So snapping turtles are to you what Shetland ponies are to me. I feel your pain. Everyone else thinks they’re so cute, but we know they are evil.

    **There’s an Australian coastal town called Kiama where the tourist attraction is the Blow Hole. Love it.

    • Ah yes, the Kiama Blow-hole. Know it well. I’ve enjoyed its pleasures but only on special occasions.

      For some reason this is reminding me of Tobias Funke.

  10. Bernie Bickers

    May 13, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Will tickets for that performance be available on Ticketmaster, because if you are writing them, I’m there! I’m thinking Family Guy meets Davey & Goliath.

    As for impromptu turtle pickups (wow, that sounds messed up), the snapper is not the end you need to be concerned about. One time I saw a turtle in the middle of the road and thought I’d do the right thing and move it to safety. Do you know why they have those big shells? It’s an evolutionary adaptation to help them support the weight of their ginormous bladders! The minute I picked it up that sucker gave me a two-quart golden shower I have yet to fully shake off.

  11. I’ll see your jalapeno/contacts story and raise you a jalapeno/tampon removal. Something I will never.ever.do.again. 😉

  12. Thanks for making me cry/laugh on this one. A real tear…..The winter white sla-yacks..omg, i could not stop laughing at this one. Please don’t ever stop writing<3

  13. Wow! Found your link via a SLP colleague / friend on Facebook. I am reading & have tears in my eyes, laughing so hard. Your *dick* humor would have been appreciated at one of my meetings. I have tried to lighten the IEP moments by regaling of those sweet tales from our therapy sessions. . . usually not as fondly appreciated as I would have hoped. Thanks for making me laugh! – – Nancy

  14. Pearls to swine is one of my favorite verses. Just wanted to share that I knew that was a Bible verse. Kind of like, “look at me, I’m a cool Bible snob”. Thanks for making me laugh! Nina, SLP =)

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