The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

…and that’s how we’re coping with a bully.

Four things:

1.) Thank you for not reporting me to D-FACS yesterday for my blatant child neglect and endangerment in the public ladies’ room. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do, yo.

2.) As a reward for your loyalty and/or lack of squeamishness, I’d like to offer you a visual treat. Two thirds of my children made the following 35 second video on their own when I asked them to go upstairs and tidy up the hallway as part of their chores. It’s friggin’ brilliant, if I do say so myself. And I do. Especially because I had nothing to do with it and have no idea how they did this!

3.) Not surprisingly, the brainchild behind this video is my oldest, Nature Boy. He’s my 11 year old “practice child” whose face has never gotten within 18 inches of a feminine hygiene receptacle. Perhaps the lack of blood-borne pathogens in his system has something to do with his brilliance. Shit.

4.) Nature Boy is being bullied at school by a total punk-ass-bitch who shall remain nameless. This asshole does things like get up and move from the cafeteria table as soon as Nature Boy sits down near him. It makes a mama’s blood boil, let me tell you. Yada, yada, yada, and last night Nature Boy tearfully lamented to me that he now thinks of himself  as “a nerd.”

This is music to my ears. I mean really, who ends up on top later in life, the bully or the nerd? Was Bill Gates a bully or a nerd? How ’bout every single President of the United States? (Okay, maybe not “W”… I have a feeling he was behind more than a few swirlies in high school.) You get my drift. But when you are 11, being unpopular feels like the end of the world. And it is heartbreaking to watch from the kitchen table.

So after I reassured my sweet boy that everything was going to be okay, he timidly asked me: “Mom, will being a nerd help me with my movie making?”

This actually made me chortle.  In fact, I may have accidentally spit some lasagna across the table.

“Oh. Hells. Yeah.” I feel like one of those cartoon characters with the cash-register dollar signs popping up over my eyeballs. Cha-ching!

Don’t worry, honey. “I’ll… be… right… here.” And remember your crazy-ass-mama one day when they are interviewing you for your True Hollywood Story on E! And if there is any justice in this world, your bully will be watching that interview in the prison cafeteria, alone, or better yet, sitting next to his Husband.

Happy Friday everyone!

with love, courage, hope, and some Chlorox disinfectant wipes,

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

21 Comments

  1. i hope bully’s baby daddy stumbles upon this. i’m sayin’ any kid’s mom who will use “prison bitch” as a tag is not one to mess with.

  2. Iris,
    Let NB know that the offer stands: I could whisk him away ‘in my pocketbook’ for a weekend in NERD HEAVEN. It’s quite wonderful when you’re surrounded with like-minded quirkiness! We could build and launch rockets; read encyclopedias; play math games; rebuild a car engine; and create videos of ALL of it. : )

  3. Well thank God he has a mum like you to put it all in perspective – I can’t bear stories of bullying and would probably fall in a melodramatic weeping heap at the feet of my child if they came home telling me that. (Couldn’t view the film clip but bet it’s pure brilliance). X

  4. Wonderful video! Amazing that it was done by an 11 yo. He is truly an artist and will go far! Thanks for sharing.

  5. cute video. i think it is time for a guest blog with tutorial from nature boy on how to do that video! ( Na-ture-Boy! Na-ture-Boy! Na-ture-Boy! {chanting for him to come out on the field} it really was awesome and i could see my son trying to do some if he knew how. of course they would be shot from the back seat of the car, but that’s a different story.

  6. Hey that goes along with one of my pet sayins to my 3 daughters…..nerds make the best husbands! I married a W….haha.

  7. Woohoo for the video. That is great work!
    As for the nerd stuff- who hasn’t been at nerd at one time or another in their life? He’s gonna be a star!!

  8. Great video clip Iris. Tell Nature Boy he’s fantastic. Steven Spielberg, look out!

  9. Rebecca LaLonde

    April 1, 2011 at 8:39 am

    I have a nerd boy myself. It’s tough being smart or different in this world. Love the video.

    • I second this comment – it IS tough being smart or different (we Rebeccas/Rebekahs are a PROFOUND lot), but I’ll take smart and different any day over dull-normal/satisfied with the status quo/Cracker-Barrel-eatin’ dipshits. Sadly, the world is FULL of Ws and you know what? Fuck ’em. (Easier said than done at age 11. Even at 38 and 3/4, it can still be tough.)

  10. I salute your son. Tell him that you have a friend who’s a movie writer, going to film school, and I think his video is great. And that some former nerds in movies are Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson, George Lucas, and yes, Steven Spielberg. In Spielberg’s case, he started making movies at right around that same age. Have him start playing with Windows MovieMaker (and truthfully, just trial and error is the best way). If he can make footage and load it to a computer, and edit it using Windows MovieMaker, he’ll be really far ahead when he goes to learn the big equipment that actual movie people use. 🙂 They DO have film contests for people under 18.

  11. Spectacular video! …and even a magic trick at the end to boot. You must have some smart kids. Wow, did you handle that well! I don’t know how I would have reacted. Good work.

  12. Not to worry, all 3 of my kids are nerds – but nerds are different than nerds were when I was in school. I was going to say “when we were in school” but I think I’ve got quite a few year on you. When I was in school nerds really did wear pocket protectors and wear their pants 4 inches too short and pulled up higher than their waists!! These days being a nerd just means being a good kid – nerds rock! 🙂

  13. Tell Nature boy he rocks!!! He is my Spielberg hero!!! Tell him to take his lunch tray and smash it over his head next time and show him who the boss is. Wait, no don’t do that! lol Did I mention I work with juvenile delinquents? Tell Nature boy I could come up with lots of ideas for revenge! 🙂 Tell Nature boy his Mama is in the Shaklee “family” now. We are mafia folks! haha j/k

  14. That video is spectacular. The flower puts it in Oscar contention. But, please don’t tell my husband that pushing things out of sight with your feet counts as cleaning up 🙂 I’ve been trying to break this habit of his for years. Of course, with no luck whatsoever.

    Bully will move on eventually and NB will move up. You share great wisdom with your kids, Iris. I wish you could live in my house and be MY coach too!

  15. AmAZing video! We’ll all be working for Nature Boy one day.

  16. Fantastic movie. Loved the performer, the soundtrack, the style and the theme. And perhaps most fantastically of all, I think your son has just invented a method to get kids to clean their rooms.

  17. I was a geek, I married a geek and now we have two geek kids. The great thing is, that’s how I know everything is going to be awesome 😉 The geeks shall inherit the earth!

  18. As a fellow child of the 70’s you’ll remember this Levi’s ad – the video totally reminds me of it. Just how your kids were able to channel the spirit of 35 year old jeans and corduroys is beyond me…

  19. I married a nerd and she is sexyfine and smart…and a prosector. tell bully boy we will save a place for him when he turns 17….bubba will leave the light on.

    • YES! (Mom-jeans-fist-pump!) Suck it, bully boy! Mwah-ha-ha-ha! You mess with me or mine, you mess with some bad-ass-bitches-in-high-places!

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