The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

How to Look Fabulous for Your Age


Today is my birthday.

This is me 47 years ago, when I was a baby:

See that? Even then, personality PLUS.

Based on this photographic evidence,
here’s what I’m predicting I’ll look like in my golden years:

Which isn’t bad, considering he’s about 119 years old in this photo.

And that, my friends, brings me to my Just the Tip Tuesday tip of the week.

Always lie about your age.

I’m actually 41 today.
But I always tell people that I’m older,
so they will be dazzled by how well-preserved I am “for my age.”

I’ve been doing this for over a decade and it works like a charm.

Case in point: Betty White.
She’s not really 82.
That bitch lies like a rug.
She’s really in her fifties.
But she wouldn’t be nearly as hot as she is right now
if she told the truth about her age.

Try it.

It’s a lot cheaper and less painful than plastic surgery.

with love and white lies,


© Copyright 2001, The Bearded Iris.


  1. You are 47??? With little kids at home??? You must be on drugs! or lots of caffeine…or the Lord really is holding you up! God Bless you and your family. Have a wonderful day!

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 22, 2011 at 10:58 am

      Thank you, friend. I’m actually only 41, but thank you for proving my point that lying about your age is the BEST and cheapest beauty secret!

  2. Happy Birthday! LOVE your blog! i read everyday!!! Enjoy your day.

  3. Happy Birthday Girlfriend!

  4. I was worried there for a minute. Dearly Beloved thinks I’m still 44, so I feared it would be a little AWKWARD to learn that I was younger than my daughter’s friend. (Yes, I had her when I was 7– a second grade project.)

    Hope it’s a happy one, indeed! Enjoy your 40’s. Look in the mirror, Girl. . . still lookin’ good, aren’t you! Eat healthy for another couple of decades. After that, make sure everything you eat contains preservatives, for obvious reasons.

    Happy, happy birthday! Hugs to you and your young’uns.

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 23, 2011 at 6:14 am

      Oh Mary, such sage advice! Thank you, darlin’. Dang, your DH is a pervy cradle robber, isn’t he? That’s hot.

  5. Happy Birthday! I hope your day is full of laughter like you bring to me every time you read your blog.

    When I was a practicing Catholic, I always hated that my birthday (on the last day of March) was usually during lent. I would give up chocolate forgetting that I would want to have chocolate cake for my birthday. I finally wizened up and just gave up candy instead thus allowing for chocolate cake. I hope you just gave up hard alcohol so you could have wine on your birthday. Jesus turned water into wine…. it seems to be a drink he approves of. That or the devil is just talking through me! Happy Birthday!

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 23, 2011 at 6:13 am

      Oh you are so smart, Christy (or is that you, Satan?)! No, sadly, I gave up all alcoholic beverages this year. I was thinking about cheating on my bday, but then I drove past a Baptist church that had on its marquee: “When the going gets rough, just think about Jesus hanging there.” GULP. Suddenly sneaking a glass of vino felt less urgent. Thank you Jesus! (Those damn Baptists are about as much fun as an ingrown toenail.)

  6. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope it’s a great day 🙂

  7. Happy Birthday!! My friend says she’s 67… when she’s actually 49…. And people are like ‘Really? OMG!! I NEVER would have guessed that… you look sooooo good!’….. And I tell her to frickin’ STOP LYING…. cause it’s makin’ ME look bad…. since I’ve known her since Kindergarten… lol

    The only thing I get from people is that they never would have guessed I was 49 because I ‘don’t look it’ & I don’t act it…. lol

    Enjoy your day!

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 23, 2011 at 6:07 am

      Oooh, damn, I thought I invented that move! Maybe I should make it a bigger lie like your friend for added effect? “I’m 56 today!” I’ll try it and report back to you.

      I feel your pain about having to compete with that shit. I can’t even tell you how many of my girlfriends have gotten boob jobs and Botox. Makes the rest of us look like effin’ trolls. Hence the lying.

  8. Happy Birthday. Thanks for the tip and thanks for the present earlier today! I like your style giving gifts away on your birthday, excellent.

  9. Happy Birthday! I love your idea! If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Hope it was a great one!

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 23, 2011 at 5:55 am

      Thanks Joanne! Indeed it was a lovely day, especially with so many sweet wishes from friends like you!

    • Oh, I always thought it was “If you can’t join ’em, beat ’em up.” 😉

  10. Happy Birthday Bearded One!

  11. You do realise that now we think you are still lying and that you are probably 35? So if it turns out that you really are 41 you are gonna look ancient..

  12. Happy birthday for the other day oh Bearded One! Hope it was a good one. Sorry I missed it.

  13. Hope you had a great birthday! Love the tip, except it doesn’t help H to tell people I’m 60. I’m supposed to be 25. And somewhere in the middle lies the truth…

  14. Aww, crap… wrote a whole birthday message and then didn’t hit post. Gaww!
    Happy Birthday, my bloglove, I can’t believe I missed it! This post flew right past me.
    Love ya! Mwah mwah mwah! Hope 52 is even better 😉

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