The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Five things I really hate.

While absentmindedly scrolling through my Twitter feed yesterday, I stumbled across this blog post title: Pet Hates. Not to be Confused with “Hates Pets.”

Which just goes to show you how important blog titles are. Because I thought to myself, that’s funny… I hate my pet sometimes. Like when Ike does this, this, this, or this.


But anyway, I clicked that compelling Twitter link, and read a very funny post about 5 things the author hates (none of which were pets). And it was awesome. I even left a comment… which (as you know, dear lurking reader) isn’t something one always (or in your case, ever) does. And then I clicked on another link in her post and found out that there is a whole society of list making bloggers!

Well sign me up for a hot, steaming side dish of THAT!

Brace yourselves, I’ve been brewing this list in my head for a long long time. In fact, boiling it down to just five is going to be harder than bringing Charlie Sheen home to meet your dad. (“But Dad… he calls me a Goddess!”)

So here it is, my first listography, Pet Hates:

1. Christmas Card Newsletters
I get it… your life is SO MUCH better than mine. As if I didn’t already know that when your card arrived on November 29th with an embossed return address and a Virgin Mary stamp. Bragger.

2. People who chew gum in church
I see you chewing your gum, mister. Now, what are you gonna do? Stick the gum under the pew before communion? Or swallow it? Or just tuck it over to the side of your yap hole while you consume the Blessed Sacrament? None of these are acceptable answers. Spit the gum out before church, asshole.

3. Baby showers
Yes, babies are cute. And yes, moms-to-be need stuff. But having to watch someone open hundreds of cloyingly pastel gifts while all the hens in the room cluck “awwwwWWWWWWW!!!!!” (gradually increasing in pitch, volume, and enthusiasm) over the 18th embroidered and appliquéd onesie, is just plain torture. At least the last one I went to had really tasty sangria to numb the pain and no humiliating games like “Guess the Girth of the Pregger.”

4. People who talk on their cell phones in public
Dude. You are in the waiting room of the Toyota service department with twelve other hostages customers. We do not want to hear about your gout or the fact that you “wish a pox on the family” of the client who screwed you. Jesus H. Christ. Or how about the lady behind you at the grocery store who is talking on her Bluetooth, but you don’t see the headset and you think she is talking to you? I hate that bitch.

5. Vagisil commercials
In general, all feminine hygiene ads just irk the hell out of me. But specifically, the newest Vagisil commercial where the sad and dejected looking woman in the public restroom is saying “I found out the hard way that not all cleansers eliminate vaginal odor,” while two women in the background are clearly gossiping about Ms. Stinky Pants. Really? You found out “the hard way?” Oh my God. Lady, you have much bigger problems than choosing a body wash. If it smells THAT bad, you might want to see your doctor a-sap. I’d also suggest some new friends and/or hobbies that don’t include waft-friendly positions like Downward Facing Dog.

Wow – that felt great! Listography, you are my new BFF. Just don’t invite me to your baby shower.

-Iris

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

22 Comments

  1. So Bearded Lady – I’ve never met you before but for some reason I feel very honored to have you on board. How’d you do that? However – it’s ‘Listography’, not ‘Listology’. I hate that – don’t you….?

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 2, 2011 at 10:54 am

      Oh my God! Did I really do that? Great…number 6: I hate myself. Thanks Kate! (sincerely) I will fix that a-sap.

  2. I’m commenting. Just for points.

    And I’m with you on that list. Talking on cell phones anywhere is so 1999.

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 2, 2011 at 11:29 am

      Oh Amanda, silly girl, you know you’re not one of those free-loading-lurkers! Anyone who loves Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman as much as I do already has a lifetime supply of Iris Points.

      • I love WW too. There has been nothing quite as cool ever since. I even loved those sound effects… you know the ones… sort of like a tapping sound? (Mmmm might be on my own there.)

  3. Oh my god. I think I love you.

    Where to start?? Firstly, thanks for the link. Now to your list:

    Point 1. Yes! Can I go a step further and offend everyone I know by saying a professional photo of your family does not a Christmas card make.
    Point 3: Tragically, I love baby showers. BUT shouldn’t there be a rule that baby showers should only be for first babies, unless there’s an exceptional circumstance? Like a category 5 cyclone?
    Point 5: Brilliant. Reminds me of a time I watched a “Before they were famous” TV show and it featured an ad with one of the actors from 90210, think her name was Andrea. This is true – the ad showed a mother walking up to the 90210 girl studying at her desk. The mother says to the daughter:

    “You can’t do your homework now. I have vaginal itching.”

    WTF??? WTF?????

  4. one thru five, I agree 100%
    number 5, I havn’t seen it yet but…….eww!! lol

  5. #3… so glad it had sangria. hopefully other good food as well.

    I’d like to add:

    3b. any social gathering (particularly where a gift is expected) and the food is either 1. non- existent or 2. crap.
    A host must feed the people.

    We drove 3 hours to a wedding with 100+ guests, brought a $50 gift and they had on the buffet … chex mix and skittles. Furreal- I would not joke about that.

    and

    1b. posting on facebook as if it were your Christmas newsletter fishing for compliments. “My children just cleaned the entire house and I am settling down for a nap. Well, after I finish Anna Karenina”. “Gosh I wish my husband would hurry home. It’s 5:03 and he knows how cranky I get when he isn’t home to pour my wine we had shipped from Portugal”.

  6. Holy Hell- your blog seriously makes me laugh out loud every time I read it. I just recently found you, but I check to see if you’ve written anything new at least three times a day. I really needed a laugh today- it’s been one of those—-and your blog gave it to me. You rock.

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 2, 2011 at 8:58 pm

      Holy Hell right back atcha – what an awesome comment! I FRICKIN’ LOVE THAT! If you click the “subscribe” button on the right side bar of the home page I’ll email you every time I publish something new… fo’ FREE!

  7. I can’t wait to check out the links! You have had me laughing since I fist found your blog. I usually read from work and can’t comment (shhh, don’t tell the work internet police – although I’m sure they already know and you probably have them all laughing too – that’s good keep it up and maybe I won’t get fired 😉

  8. Just what I needed tonight — a BIG dose of laughter! I wholeheartedly agree with EVERY point on your list. Especially the baby showers. I didn’t even want to go to my own baby shower — why do people want to watch anyone open presents for hours??? I think there should be a nice mani/pedi day with copious amounts of cake involved instead. 🙂

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 3, 2011 at 5:58 am

      I would totally go to THAT shower, Megan!

      I didn’t want to go to ANY of my baby showers. Yes, the people who seem to like me insisted I have one each time I got knocked up. The last one was the best though. It was a surprise! My neighbor/BFF Tammy and The Gatekeeper (my husband) flew in my mom, two aunts, and a close friend. I still can’t believe I didn’t pee all over Tammy’s floors or go into early labor right there. Surprising a pregger? Really? But it was actually really fun, and of course there was wine and copious amounts of cake, because Tammy is just awesome like that. And there weren’t THAT many presents because, frankly, I just don’t have a lot of friends. Thank God.

  9. Oh Iris! As always, you crack me up! I love the list idea. I just might have to copy that whole idea and go with it. That would bust me out of my shell, dontcha think? 🙂 Will definitely contemplate this one! LOL! Oh – and did you get your pics taken yet of our challenge for each other? Hmm? I have mine done! I took them, backed graciously out of the room and haven’t re-entered it since. Yeah, I’m not gonna win any prizes for my ambition there! LOL!

  10. But Iris you left out the best link regarding your dog – the night you had to deal with his proclivity for digging up the neighbours recently deceased pet – one of my all time ever favourite blog posts by anyone….

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 3, 2011 at 6:01 am

      Oh my God, KC – you are so right! That is one of my favorites TOO! Damn dog. Thanks for reminding me. I must have blocked the memory out for my own mental health. Here it is: Bring out your dead. Thanks girl!

      • OMG! It still does it for me…I am chuckling away like a lunatic while the rest of the house is sleeping. All I need now is a beer…to get the image of the dead bassett hound’s paw sticking out of the ground out of my head. Ha Ha Ha

  11. Ps: Here’s my top 5:
    1. The chemist assistant who tries to get you to buy homeopathy when you present your script for heavy duty antibiotics for a serious chest infection;
    2. People who drop their litter when a bin is two steps away from them;
    3. People who come round to your place for a social occasion and spend all their time checking their damned phone to see if there’s something better going on elsewhere;
    4. People who let their dogs take a dump on the footpath and can’t be arsed cleaning up after them so that you have the joy of treading in the darn thing;
    5. People who tell you they’re not racist seconds before they come out with something abominably racist!

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 3, 2011 at 6:08 am

      Seriously, not kidding, every single one of those (or a less articulate i.e. American version thereof) was on my original list that I had to whittle down. Geez, with all these pet peeves it is no wonder I drink.

      I am the new owner of one of those phancy phones… so I’ll have to make a conscious effort to not turn into one of those annoying phone checkers! I do phucking hate that. So rude.

  12. Oh…I loves me some hate.

    Now I must go to youtube that Vagisil commercial.

    • The Bearded Iris

      March 7, 2011 at 11:04 pm

      Girl, I looked high and low on youtube for that damn Vagisil commercial! They must have gotten a lot of heat for how bad it was, because I could not find that sucker anywhere. If you find it, let me know! I would love to link to it.

  13. Oh my! #5 about the Vagisil commercial…so funny and so true! Hilarious!

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