The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Oh, sh!t.

So I go to take Bucket Head to preschool this morning and as I’m getting into the car, I notice that something is wrong.

Hmmmm. I don’t remember leaving all these plastic baggies in the front seat, I thought to myself. Upon closer inspection, I realized “the baggies” were actually just one baggie that had been shredded into numerous pieces. Near the plastic baggie shreds were also several fruit snack wrappers and granola bar wrappers, also torn to bits.

But the big give away was the torn tissues and napkins. I knew as soon as I saw the white fluffy confetti on the floor of the passenger seat that Ike had made his way into the car sometime in the last 12 hours.

"Who, me?"

What the…? How in the world did he get in there?

Then I remembered getting home from my in-laws’ Super Bowl party and carrying one of the sleeping kids into the house, leaving the van door wide open… which to Ike, is simply an invitation to an all-you-can-eat-buffet, doggie style.

I’m a mom. I drive a mini-van. I transport three children to and from a variety of activities every day. Thus, my van always has a cornucopia of crumbs and snack-stashes and dirty napkins strewn throughout it. For a dog like Ike, it is The Promised Land.

Usually, I don’t mind if he takes a quick tour of the van and sucks up the stray crumbs. But the shredding of the baggie, the wrappers, and the tissues means that he had way too much unsupervised time on his hands last night. My bad. Come on, the Steelers were on!

Scrounging for crumbs in the van isn’t his typical hunting style though. He’s usually much more brazen than that. He’s more of a kitchen-counter dine and dash kind of guy. And he’s not very good at covering his tracks. Like the butter wrapper I found on the kitchen floor this morning after my shower.

Or the toothpaste tubes I used to find under my bed before I got wise and started keeping them out of his reach.

The kids are pretty good about not leaving food around. We watch out for each other if someone needs to leave the table, and it’s not uncommon to hear Bucket Head say to his siblings “Protect my food. I’ll be right back,” because inevitably, Bucket Head always has to get up and go to the bathroom the minute he starts to eat. He is Ike’s favorite source for unattended food.

But Ike’s appetites aren’t limited to food, tissues, and toothpaste. He enjoys a variety of toys and art supplies as well. Usually we can hear him unabashedly chomping away on something suspicious and can save the toy before he swallows it. Some toys, like this vintage Fisher-Price Little People girl, put up a really good fight and are hard to swallow.

But other toys, like the stretchy green skeleton that Bucket Head carried around for weeks after Halloween, go down silently and quickly, only to be horrifyingly encased like Han Solo in the black Carbonite. Lucky for you, dear reader, I just so happened to notice this little gem while we were playing in the yard not too long ago. Poor green stretchy skeleton. We will miss you.

My husband, The Gatekeeper, would like you to know that he does not endorse my apparent affinity for scat photography or dressing the pets in Hanna Andersson pajamas.

© Copyright 2011, The Bearded Iris.

15 Comments

  1. Iris, this is my new favorite website. I have my mom reading it – she says “Hi” by the way – I’ve got my husband reading it – He says, in his beautiful South African accent “She’s got a brilliant sense of humor”. – You have become my comic relief – not that my days are not always filled with quite a bit of comedy.

    This post, however, hits so close to home because I have an 11 month black lab named Gracie (and a 165 lb. English Mastiff named Bella – and soon a baby Bulldog to be named Angus. Yes, we LOVE dogs.) But, last night as we watched, with many of our closest friends, our Steelers go down, My sweet little Gracie was sharing, bite for bite, a carrot with an 11 month old child, a piece of pizza with a 5 year old little boy, a napkin with a 41 year old man, and a bit of poop which she graciously stole from underneath my Mastiff’s ass. Love these labs. They are a comedy in and of itself.

    Absolutely loving your blog and so glad to be back in touch. Bummer about our Steeler’s eh?!

    • The Bearded Iris

      February 7, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      Oh Em – your house is even more doggilicious than mine! Hilarious story about “Gracie’s” Super Bowl party… especially the myriad nibbles of this and THAT! Ewwww! How funny! I’m so jealous of the guy who wrote Marley & Me and got rich off his *oh so uniquely naughty* lab. Sounds like my Ike and your Gracie could give Marley a run for the money.

      Hi to your Mom and husband too! I definitely remember your Mom (and I’m sorry about the “Crazy Diane” stunts… we were so young and crazy)! xoxox, Iris.

  2. lol you are so funny! I came across your site from organizing junkie and laughed so hard at the lego situation that I just had to see what else you talk about. When I saw the green skeleton in the poop I about spit out my soda! I will be reading your blog daily. Thanks for keeping it real!

    • The Bearded Iris

      February 8, 2011 at 7:38 pm

      Thanks Nikki! Yes, I imagine there aren’t too many organizing-related websites that feature photos of dog poop. Sadly, it seems to be my niche.

      Just send me the bill for your soda-soaked keyboard. We’ll have my husband turn it in with his expense report at work. 😉

  3. OMG I just found your website from a facebook tag and you are hilarious. Only a dog lover could truly understand and appreciate your endeavors to keep your children’s food safe. And the scat photographer comment made me spit my cupcake out. Love it.

    • The Bearded Iris

      February 9, 2011 at 1:55 pm

      Well welcome aboard the SS Canine Crapper, matey! Thanks for the props and I’m so sorry to waste your cupcake with my scat jokes. Do you think I should post some kind of a warning that readers should proceed with caution and empty mouths? 😉

  4. ‘Han Solo in the black carbonite’ is too apt an analogy for this image. We once looked after my brother’s airedale terrier. If a fit of pique he secretly stole my husband’s wrist watch which also happened to have his wedding ring on it. We found the wedding ring a few days later (spat out – not digested!) but never recovered more than the silver backing of the watch. I swear that damn dog ticked like the crocodile in Peter Pan ever since….

  5. “Never did like that damn, dog” – Tom Waits, Frank’s Wild Years.

    The Han Solo in Carbonite image is like Star Wars directed by John Waters.

  6. OMG….. so frickin’ funny….. we have had rainbow colored poop & poop with legos & poop with balloons decorating our yard…. and yes…. my jack russell shreds tissues & all sorts of crap on the floor on my side of the bed…. I think it’s just because I’m a ‘mean mom’ and crate him when we leave the house…. so he does it to get back at me…. Love your blog…

    • The Bearded Iris

      February 17, 2011 at 5:42 am

      I crate Ike too… not just when we leave but at night also. We’re not mean moms, we’re smart! (Okay, and sometimes mean, just for fun). Imagine how much damage they’d do if we let them roam freely! Wait, are we talking about dogs or kids?

  7. Oh my god, I am laughing … the black carbonite encased skeleton! Your dog has the same look of indignation as mine! x

    • Haha! I knew you’d relate, Laura. I see we both have Labradors. Those fuckers will eat ANYTHING. Mine is about 7 years old and has FINALLY started to calm down and stop eating everything. So hang in there! X

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