The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Grab and Go

Ya’ll, I’m busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kickin’ contest today, what with all the holiday Room Mom requirements, and Thanksgiving cleanup, and the fact that if I don’t grocery shop my family will surely starve to death. 

But it is Tuesday. And you know that when I’m not busy trying to keep my children alive, I like to share practical tips you can use in your own homes to make your lives all that much better than mine.  It’s a little thing I call “Just the Tip Tuesday.” Catchy, don’t you think?

So here’s my tip:

Don’t you just hate when you are trying to leave a place and your kids dig in their heels and say “Hell no – we won’t go!” And meanwhile, your hands are totally full with a diaper bag and a poopy diaper that you need to toss and your cell phone and your purse and a Tupperware container full of the leftovers that your Mother-in-Law insists you take with you? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Next time you get some attitude from a stubborn child and don’t feel like investing any more of your precious energy verbally enticing them to get in the damn car already, transfer all your stuff to one arm. Then, without warning, silently walk up behind them, grab the back of their overalls, pick ’em up, and just start walking. Like so:

irisfair1 

Now before you call Social Services, I’ll have you know that no toddlers were harmed in this process. First of all, his diaper was probably totally saturated with urine, making it a very fluffy cushion for his goody basket. Secondly, he was so surprised by the maneuver that he said “WHEEEE!” I know, I know, not exactly the negative consequence needed to teach a life lesson. But sometimes a mama’s gotta do what a mama’s gotta do. The point is, this move shuts ’em up and gets ’em out. Then, when you get home, you can sit them down for a little “Come to Jesus” talk and let them know that if you ever, I mean EVER, have to physically extricate them from a social situation again, it will be the last party they ever attend. To which they will certainly smile and giggle and say something like “Mommy. More. Kiss.” and totally miss the point and melt your heart all in one fell swoop. 

But still. It’s a good move to try when your last nerve is on the verge of being severed in public. Now this is important… there are several key ingredients to being able to pull this off:

1.) Always dress your toddler in overalls when you are going somewhere that you suspect might be difficult for them to leave peacefully. A t-shirt just won’t cut it. You’ll rip the shirt and/or choke the child. Not OK. Also, these are little humans, not cats, so don’t just grab ’em by the nape of the neck or someone really will take your children away, and that is never good.  

2.) Have an escape route mapped out. This move works best when you remember where you parked the mini-van and can get there without having to stand in line at a Chuck-E-Cheese security checkpoint apologizing to the other parents. 

3.) Make sure you are in decent physical condition before you attempt this move. Arm strength is important here, but the actual lifting should always be done with your legs. Trust me, nothing says “the party is over” like a toddler with a concussion and a frazzled Mom flat on her pimped-out-pooper with a back spasm from hell. Or so I hear. 

So yeah. Parenting. It’s not for pussies. Give this tip a shot the next time you need an emergency escape plan, and remember, you heard it here first. Giddee-up! 

©2008 The Bearded Iris

5 Comments

  1. Love it.

    Although, I’d add that the Toddler-as-Suitcase strategy is perhaps not advisable when said Toddler has filled their lot with pee and poo, in which case, the extra pressure might just make the whole thing blow sky high. Which would just be nasty.

    And by the way, this is the real NDM leaving this comment, not my identity-hijacking husband.

  2. flyingheidigirl

    December 2, 2008 at 6:32 pm

    i usually do the one-armed toss over the shoulder, forearm holding little kicking legs against my boobs. not recommended for full-diaper sitch as the mini-butt is directly on your shoulder and a gust of wind in the wrong direction could mess you up, or worst, wreck your shirt. all the punches hit your upper back, so therefore are no real danger. (fortunately he never discovered hair pulling.)

    i had one that was “stomp on the floor and yell,” one that would play dead (yes, even in the middle of the aisle at Wal-Mart), and this one, who we lovingly call The Kraken. it may take a good shot of bourbon, but we moms adapt.

  3. overalls=toddler handlers around here a few years back. Too bad they don’t work on teenagers.

  4. So yeah. Parenting. It’s not for pussies. Bahahahahaha. Can I get that on a T-shirt?

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