The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Crafty Dog

This is my dog.

As you may recall, he looks nothing like Gwyneth Paltrow’s lady parts.

This is my jar of Crayola Crayons.

Isn’t it pretty?

And this is what happened when the two got together for a little intestinal par-tay.

Not my favorite way to start the day.

At least this time we didn’t have to go to the vet.  My vet is on speed dial because of this dog and his dietary habits.

Listen, this dog is trouble. He eats ANYTHING. Socks. Little People. Cat litter. He has a special affinity for dirty tissues….he’ll watch you blow your nose or wipe a kid’s nose and he’ll follow that dirty tissue with his chocolate brown eyes.  Then he’ll wait until you are distracted and he’ll snatch that booger-bundle right out of your hand.  He can wiggle his snout into the tightest or deepest of pockets for a tissue.  Then he’ll gobble it up and poop out a folded swan napkin the next day.  Not really sure how he does that, but it is a sight to behold.

That reminds me of the time the kids and I were stringing popcorn garlands to hang on the Christmas tree. Oooh-weee, that makes me sound like such a good Mommy, doesn’t it?  Well don’t kid yourselves, I was probably drunk while we were doing it.  Anyhooo, we were using upholstery thread and real sewing needles and listening to The Chipmunks Christmas album (which is probably why I was drinking), and the next thing I knew, Klepto starts crying, “Mommy!  My popcorn is gone!”  That dog was stalking her…like a lion on the savannah, waiting patiently for her guard to be lowered, and then, the pounce and the dash.  That so’mbitch swallowed her whole garland: popcorn, thread, and needle, faster than you could say “Turn that God-awful music down and pour Mommy some more eggnog!”

When I called the vet I learned that the needle wasn’t really the most dangerous part of this equation…it was the thread.  Apparently, if your pet doesn’t pass the thread all at once, it can cause the intestines to bunch up and lose blood flow.  If that happens, the animal will die.  So there are two choices, poop out the thread, or perform surgery.  Time is of the essence in a case like this.  It has to be passed within 24 hours, or the risk goes way up.  And intestinal surgery is risky at best due to the high likelihood of infection (poop = bacteria).  The vet advised that I “watch the dog closely for the next 24 hours and if part of the string comes out, no matter what, DO NOT PULL IT.”  Um, yeah.  Santa is practically on his way and Dr. Doolittle wants me to drop everything and focus on my dog’s pooper?  I believe my reply was something like this:

“Hmmm, interesting idea.  Or, how ’bout this.  Why don’t I bring him to YOU and you all can watch him for the next 24 hours while I wrap presents and bake cookies.  It is five days before Christmas!  I have more important things to do than wait for this asshole, pardon the pun, to poop out my Martha Stewart Homemade Christmas Garland.  I’ll see you in five minutes.”

Lord, I know that sounds very insensitive, but seriously, I didn’t ask that dog to eat the string and I shouldn’t have to be held hostage by his butt-hole five days before Christmas while we wait to see if he is gonna live or die.  That is not the Norman Rockwell painting I envisioned when we rescued this beast from the Humane Society.

Long story short, we got our Christmas Miracle that year.  The dog passed the garland: thread, needle, and all. He didn’t die.  And that was a “Good Thing.”

In summary:

Microwave Popcorn:  $2.49

Upholstery Thread: $0.99

Sewing Needles: $0.49

Vet Exam and Radiographs: $128

Not having to watch my dog pass that nasty garland or tell the kids that he died 5 days before Christmas: Priceless.

© Copyright 2008, The Bearded Iris.

6 Comments

  1. Beckey Huddleston

    February 24, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    oh my gosh – i think we may be soulmates!! i’ve read about 6 posts and have nearly peed my pants i laughed so hard! thanks for making me feel like i belong somewhere and that my crazy life mirrors someone else’s!

    • If you laugh with (or even at) me and/or occasionally pee your pants, you definitely belong here! Welcome, sister!

  2. Ah ha, even a POST about the little snot sucker! Cracked. me. up. when you made the comment on my blog about your dog doing this because my paper-eater, not to be confused with the chair-licker, loves loves luuuuurves tissues. They don’t *have* to be used, though she prefers them that way, and not only can she hear me blow my nose, she can hear when I tear a wad of tp off the roll IN PREPARATION for blowing my nose. Lest she miss a second of tissuey goodness, she promptly parks herself at my feet with a look like “You’re not gonna flush that, are you? You’re not gonna throw it out, are you? Can I have it, please? Can I? Have it? Please?” Like your pup, she will root in my pocket for the tissue and not give up until she retrieves it. Other than this impressive trick, she can’t do JACK SHIT.

    And speaking of…shit…the chair-licker is also a sock-eater. Eats ’em whole. We end up with bits of sock scattered in the yard. I almost picked one up one day, thinking “How in the world did my sock get out here?” Fortunately I pulled my hand back just in the nick of time.

  3. For some reason I just found this post. I must warn you once mini-me starts that horrid monthly thing, make sure the bathroom door stays closed at all times! I won’t bore you with the things my dog has drug out of the bathroom. It’s these rescue dogs. I swear they are never sure if they are going to get another meal out of you or not. My little Landon was found in a restaurant parking lot, need I say more?

  4. thank you for such a hilarious post – it was great to laugh so much!

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