If yesterday’s Wall Street blood bath has your panties all in a wad, don’t panic. This does is not a “run on the Savings and Loan.” Please leave George Bailey and his new bride alone. They deserve that honeymoon and should not be harangued by you and your general anxiety disorder. Just sit back and relax, honey. Iris has some unconventional financial tips that can bring your blood pressure down and please your partner all in one fell swoop.
1. Take it from me (and Suze Orman) that a coffee can is NOT the place to stick your money. Yes, it is always a good idea to have a wad of small bills around in case of emergencies, or for playing “stripper” with your man on special occasions…like Tuesdays, but the majority of your money should remain in FDIC insured accounts. Don’t be a Chicken Little. This is not the time to lose your head and do stupid things. In fact…I’m no expert on this, but I’m thinking now would probably be a good time to BUY BUY BUY. It is like a fire sale on Wall Street today. Have at it!
2. Quit your gym membership. Have more sex. It is fun and mostly free. If you do it correctly and often enough, you can improve flexibility and burn lots of fat. Plus, you can do it in the privacy of your own home (although outside of the home can be fun too) and you don’t need any special apparatus or matchy-matchy outfits. Wait, I take that last part back.
3. Stop buying and wearing panties. You’ll never have those pesky VPLs (Visible Panty Lines) and you’ll cut down on your laundry, which is also a very hip and “green” thing right now. Let it breathe…it will thank you later. See also: tip # 2 above. No panties = easy access.
4. Don’t eat so much. Think of all the cashola you’ll save at the grocery store! Plus, you’ll have fewer calories to burn so you won’t need to work out so much. Once you lose some weight, you’ll feel better about yourself too and can stop spending all that money on therapy and antidepressants. And you’ll feel sexier, which will make you want to shag even more. It is a self-perpetuating cycle of thriftiness. This is a win-win-win solution, people, and it goes hand in hand with tip # 2. Try it.
5. Save money on prescription drugs by stealing them from your friends.
6. Set up as many automatic payments as possible with your online banking service. You’ll save oodles of green on late payment fees and imagine all the extra time you’ll have for things like, oh I don’t know, sex and illegally obtained prescription drugs.
7. Don’t pay for things you can get for free like movies, music, cable TV, and sex. Be creative.
8. Get rid of your phones. Everyone has a cell phone these days…just borrow one from a friend when you need it. Borrowing a phone today is the equivalent to asking for the time, or bumming a smoke, or using someone else’s toothbrush on a one night stand…no big deal. People really don’t mind.
9. Cut back on the number of extra-curricular activities you force on your over-scheduled children. In addition to the monthly tuition payments you won’t have to shell out for music lessons, sports teams, tutoring, foreign language immersion classes, and horseback riding clinics, you’ll save on gas and the future psychiatric treatment that your children are most certainly going to require.
10. Quit contributing when they pass the basket at church. If you are embarrassed, do what I do and just stick an empty envelope in there every week. That way, the judgmental holy rollers in your pew will still think you’re a big spender, but you can use that money toward something more practical, like organic milk or push up bras.
11. Be open minded. A box of wine is economical and better for the environment. And after the first couple of glasses, the taste really grows on you.
In conclusion, you don’t have to be a financial wizard to save a little money, just a teensy bit of creativity and a pathological lack of shame. Oh, and don’t forget to vote Obama. Who do you think got us into this mess? Hmmm, let’s see, could it be? The Republicans? Oh yes, that is ringing a bell. Just say no to 4 more years of this shit. Please. I beg of you. Now put your computer away and go shag someone. Listen to Iris, sugar, and make love, not war.
Thrift is not an affair of the pocket, but an affair of character. ~S.W. Straus