The Bearded Iris

A Recalcitrant Wife and Mother Tells All

Appliance Heaven

Girls, if you are ever feelin’ unappreciated by your man or gaggle of kids, Iris has a hot tip for you! 

Get all gussied up and go shopping.  And by “gussied up,” I mean the works!  Do your hair.  Shave your toes.  Grab your highest heels, your tightest jeans, your best engineered push-up bra, and some drop dead red lipstick.  Now this is important: I’m not suggesting that you go shopping just anywhere. At a time like this, you certainly don’t need some under-commissioned department store dickwad to tell you that the whole point of eyebrows is that you are supposed to have two of them. No ma’am, you need to high-tail it to the nearest used appliance store you can find and strut your stuff.

It is amazing how much better you will feel about yourself when you have a few hard working men dropping everything to wait on you.  Of course, testing out the used appliances by sitting on them like this might have something to do with all the attention you’ll get…

It also helps to have a good friend who is a photographer follow you around the shop, taking your photo doing all sorts of crazy things. This always attracts a lot of Looky-Lous, and nothing says “PAY ATTENTION TO ME, PEOPLE!” like having your photo taken in public. I also highly recommend wearing an apron on these outings.  Used appliances tend to be a teensy bit dusty and you do not want to soil your best hot pants just for the sake of a little public admiration.  Do be sure to choose a cute sassy half-apron that accentuates your outfit and not the ginormous, stained “Recipe? What Recipe?” apron your mother in law re-gifted to you for Christmas.  

Oh, another hot tip ladies, especially if you are having trouble getting a salesman’s attention…bring a juicy ripe peach with you and start eating it right there in front of God and everybody.  You may also try bending over a bit, while eating the peach, to inspect the merchandise a little closer.  Salesmen always appreciate a shopper with an eye for detail.  

Another crowd pleaser that I like to use once in a while on these shopping excursions is to bring a frozen tray of meat along with me.  Lord knows you do NOT want to buy a deep freeze and find out after you get it home that your meat is too big for it.  Don’t you just hate when that happens?  So do yourself a favor and bring your family sized value pak of the Other White Meat along for the ride.  By the time you get home, it will be nicely defrosted and ready to cook for supper.  And it is environmentally friendly too, as no polar bears will be killed in this process.

Naturally, bending over just a bit while you clutch your family pak of frozen pork will only help you attract the attention of the salesmen, and/or manager.  

Lastly, if all else fails and you are still not getting the attention you so desperately crave, grab your apron, your peach, and your tray of frozen pork, and lie down somewhere prominent.  Toss your head back and eat that peach, honey!  If you don’t get a little love from this maneuver, you must be doin’ it wrong.    

“The best accessory a woman can wear is confidence.” — author unknown

 

8 Comments

  1. Wise words indeed. I felt moved to add you to my blogroll on the strength of such profound advice.

  2. Ha! This is the first time I came across this one. You’re so funny.

  3. oh Iris, you make my day! I just started reading and am going back in time from your lastest post to the first. This one just made me giggle 🙂

    • Hi Sarah! Oh, you found one of my favorites! My friend Laura took all these pictures. She’s the bomb! Thanks for finding me and reading some “oldies but goodies!”

      • Oh and PS your boobs look amazing for birthing 3 babies. Just saying I have not had any kids and they are meeting the belly button already 🙁

  4. Iris, you have made my whole day! This post and the one about the bikini wax had me in stitches! My friend gave me the links to these posts. My grocery list now has two new items; Magic Smooth and half apron! Four of us will be going shopping to the used appliance store soon. Maybe the Restore that benefits Habitat for Humanity. It is a win win! Thank you THANK YOU for the laughs! We all needed them!

  5. I just came across your blog this morning and cant stop reading! have never commented on a blog before but I just had to let you know brilliant I find your writing and humour. I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts, they literally have me laughing out loud. Thank you!

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